Norse Culture Appreciation Week: The Viking Saga of Olaf The Boy-Toucher

10 Oct

There are myriads of douchebags on the Internetz these days who fancy themselves all kinds of manly.  Some wear idiotic-looking shemaghs in all colors of the rainbow, in climates ranging from Arctic to desert.*

Some claim to be modern-day Vikings.  Manly warrior-poets who celebrate their manliness in the most manly way possible:  by fucking other men.

Meet Olaf Amundsen.

olaf the gay

I don’t think that’s the kind of “fierce” the Vikings had in mind.

Fat girl Myspace selfie camera angle with shitty Instagram vintage filter?  Check and cheeeeeeck, boy!  SNAP!

The Reader’s Digest version is that Olaf the Limp-Wristed and his wilderness-guide company of GayBoy Berserkers got a job application from a 23 year-old gal in British Columbia, who like any job applicant, listed her university on her application.  She apparently went to some private Christian university at which the students are required to take an abstinence pledge, among other things.  Big deal. I think BYU does the same thing.

Amaruk, the company to which she applied, is apparently almost entirely staffed at the senior management level by cock-chugging sodomy enthusiasts who were extremely offended that this gal would even dare to APPLY for a job, having attended a university that does not support gay fake-marriage.  So much so, that Olaf and his Big Gay management group not only rejected her application, they scolded her for her Christian beliefs.

And then threatened to butt-fuck Jesus.


“The Norse background of most of the guys at the management level means that we are not a Christian organization, and most of us see Christianity as having destroyed our culture, tradition, and way of life,” Amaruk’s hiring manager, Olaf Amundsen, wrote last month to Vancouver-area job applicant Bethany Paquette, the first in a series of bizarre, angry emails sent from company officials in Norway.

So, the young lady sends back a mildly defensive rebuttal, ending it with what she probably knew would enrage this asshole, who sucks cock like the antidote to his daddy issues is in there somewhere.  She signed it, “God Bless.”

Later, this dipshit who claims to have a Ph.D in Norse History, writes back again, having Lost. His. Fucking. Mind.

“This is nothing new,” he wrote back the next day, Sept. 14. “People who did not agree with your church would be flayed, burnt, roasted, quartered etc. … so you guys have a long history of intolerance.

“I am not a young First Nations boy sexually abused by a priest into submission for years while locked in a concentration camp (as in residential school), but a Viking with a Ph.D in Norse History. So your propaganda is lost on me,” he continued. “‘God Bless’ is very offensive to me, and yet another sign of your attempts to impose your religious views on me.”

He ended his rant with this: “If I was to meet [Jesus Christ], I’d actually f— him.

Funny how this asshole’s Ph.D in Norse History didn’t educate him as to the Viking culture’s relationship with Christianity. They raided and pillaged Christian villages throughout coastal Europe, murdering, raping and enslaving Christians. Scandinavia wasn’t conquered and Christianized by invading armies. It was Christianized by Scandinavian kings who converted and then imposed it on their own populations.

Fuck you, “Professor” Dumbass. You fail. At EVERYTHING.

Not wanting to be left out of the party, the rest of senior management ALSO sent their pissy little faggy hisses to the applicant:

Later that day, Amaruk’s two co-chairmen sent a snarky email to Ms. Paquette, according to her BCHRT complaint. “We believe that a man ending up with another man is probably the best thing that could happen to him,” wrote Christopher Fragassi-Bjornsen and Dwayne Kenwood-Bjornsen. “But we do not force these views onto other people, and we are completely fine if a guy decides to go the emasculation route by marrying a B.C. woman.”

Ten bucks says they were touching dicks as they clicked “Send” on that email.

And an hour later, Ms. Paquette received yet another snide note, this one from Amaruk’s human resources boss. “You are free to your own opinions and to live your life as you see fit, but you have no right to force your opinions onto others and control their innate behaviour,” it read.

Easy, buddy. You’re not mad at her. You’re mad at her vagina. And your daddy.

Note that this gal said NOT ONE THING about homos and their right to fake-marry. She just applied for a job. They spewed their fucking crazy all over her merely for where she went to university.

So what kind of Viking word is Amaruk? It isn’t. It’s the Eskimo** word for wolf, which is plastered on the banner of their website, and just about the white-trashiest, most clichéd redneck, Indian fetishist imagery you can think up. Where’s the fucking dreamcatcher, you unoriginal bastards?

And what kind of wilderness company is Amaruk?

gay fingerpainting

The uncomfortably, obviously gay kind.

But they offer a variety of services, not just stripping off your shirt and fingerpainting each other’s nipples.  They also offer Wilderness Fitness, Bareback Riding and Laying Around Shirtless courses:

gay fitness gay horse gay log

Every one of those pictures are from their website.  No shit.

Now, lest you start thinking that this “company” is just an excuse for a bunch of shirtless gay dudes to lure young men out to remote areas Where No One Can Hear You Scream, they do offer other services with everyday real-world applications – most notably expedition satellite tracking and Search and Rescue, including helicopter operations.  This isn’t really an area that lends itself to the sexual whimsies of a couple of gay sugar daddies, but a dangerous, technical field staffed with serious professionals.


gay rescue


The sad part is – this is all from their website.  These fucking perverts have fielded more dicks than the entire roster of the Abercrombie & Fitch company soccer team.


Here’s my stance on all aberrant sexual behavior:  I don’t care in who or what you stick it, I just don’t want to hear about it.  That means I don’t want to hear about your rights to fake-marry each other, or how you want to assrape Jesus.  Be all the pervert you can be.

Live and let live, and I’ll do the same. Just shut the fuck up about it.  Or be prepared to be mocked for your faggotry.

For example, Doctor Anus:

Scandinavian law codes made certain types of insults illegal, and either condoned the victim’s slaying of the slanderer or penalized the utterance of insults with outlawry. The Gulaþing Law of Norway (ca. 100-1200 C.E.) Says: Um fullrettes orð. Orð ero þau er fullrettis orð heita. Þat er eitt ef maðr kveðr at karlmanne oðrom at hann have barn boret. Þat er annat ef maðr kyeðr hann væra sannsorðenn. Þat er hit þriðia ef hann iamnar hanom við meri æða kallar hann grey æða portkono æða iamnar hanom við berende eitthvert. Concerning terms of abuse or insult. There are words which are considered terms of abuse. Item one: if a man say of another man that he has borne a child. Item two: if a man say of another man that he has been homosexually used. Item three: if a man compare another man to a mare, or call him a bitch or a harlot, or compare him to any animal which bears young (Markey, 76, 83)

Similarly, the Icelandic law code Grágás (ca. 1100-1200 C.E.) has: Þav ero orð riú ef sva mioc versna máls endar manna er scog gang vaðla avll. Ef maðr kallar man ragan eða stroðinn eða sorðinn. Oc scal søkia sem avnnor full rettis orð enda a maðr vigt igegn þeim orðum þrimr. Then there are three terms which occasion bringing such a serious suit against a man that they are worthy to outlaw him. If a man call a man unmanly [effeminate], or homosexual, or demonstrably homosexually used by another man, he shall proceed to prosecute as with other terms of abuse, and indeed a man has the right to avenge with combat for these terms of abuse (Markey, 76, 83).

The Frostaþing Law likewise tells us that it is fullréttisorð (verbal offenses for which full compensation or fines must be paid to the injured party) to compare a man to a dog, or to call him sannsorðinn (demonstrably homosexually used by another man), but goes on to penalize as hálfréttisorð (requiring one-half compensation) terms which in our culture would almost be considered complementary, including comparing a man with a bull, a stallion, or other male animal (Sørenson 16).

Any of that soaking in, genius? Vikings could legally kill someone for calling them a faggot. It wasn’t because they were trying to protect the feelings of queers. It’s because they found them unmanly, detestable and repulsive.

Tell me again about your doctorate in Norse History, stupid ass. You’re not Leif Ericson. You’re fucking Leif Garrett.

*Oh, don’t you worry. I have not yet begun to piss on Joe Teti.

**Shut the fuck up. They’re Eskimos.

10 Responses to “Norse Culture Appreciation Week: The Viking Saga of Olaf The Boy-Toucher”

  1. Dude, fluffy (@fluffyAoSHQ) October 10, 2014 at 4:41 pm #

    Vikings didn’t raid fishing villages to steal their smoked fish. They stole their children to sell as slaves.

  2. AmericanGirlRefugee (@phxazgrl) October 10, 2014 at 8:08 pm #

    why does the picture of the viking look like richard dryfus?

  3. beefymeatball October 11, 2014 at 9:47 am #

    I never wanted to be a Viking in the first place! I… I wanted to be…


    Leaping from stiffened wood to stiffened wood! As we float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia! With my best boy by my side!

  4. Colorado Alex October 11, 2014 at 7:15 pm #

    That was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.

  5. Tirebiter (@Porgy_Tirebiter) October 12, 2014 at 8:36 pm #

    Way to tell those fucking Scandi fudgepackers what’s what. I hope they find their way here.

  6. Captain Hate October 14, 2014 at 7:40 am #

    Those pictures were lifted from an Arne Duncan elementary school textbook, no?

  7. Sort-of-Mad Max October 17, 2014 at 11:46 am #

    My guess? “Olaf Amundsen” is a self-medicating psychotic living out his fantasies of a wilderness guide company on the Internet. Nothing of Amaruk exists outside of his loony mind. Getting people to apply for jobs at his fictional firm and abusing them in return is just part of the fun.

  8. Empire of Jeff October 17, 2014 at 11:50 am #

    What we know:

    1. Someone went to a lot of trouble, both in registering and creating this website and registering a company with Industry Canada.

    2. This someone probably jacked himself into severe dehydration watching Chris Hemsworth as Thor in the Avengers amd Thor films.

  9. Dave in VA October 29, 2014 at 11:39 am #

    “Gay sex is mildly disgusting; lesbian sex is mildly ludicrous.” — John Derbyshire

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