When Your Interior Monologue Becomes External

9 May

Many of us have put our foot in our mouths at one time or another.  Hell, I remember reminiscing with some high school acquaintances I ran into a few years ago.  They graduated a couple of years ahead of me, so I didn’t know them except from playing football together and “J.B.” and I got to talking about funny things and people we remembered from school when I veered off into the weeds.

Jeff:  “Hey, J.B. – remember that lunch lady with the lazy eye?  How she was always pointing at some kid and saying “C’mere!” but she’d be looking somewhere else?  What was her name?”

J.B.:  “It was Janice.”

Jeff:  “Miss Janice!  That was it!”

J.B.:  “She’s my mom.”

Jeff:  “oh.”

Thank God no one was videotaping my assholery.  Unfortunately for GOP Oklahoma State Representative Dennis Johnson, the internet is forever.



My favorite part is when someone stops him in the middle of his speech to show him the shoe-treads on his dick and he says, “I did?  Oh.  Sorry about that, Jews.  Y’all are good businessmen, too.  I guess you could say that your people really have a NOSE for business, am I right?!”

What a fucking idiot. 

At least this story introduced me to “Heeb Magazine”, which seems to specialize in self-deprecating, tongue-in-cheek humor.  The writer adds his own acceptable uses of “Jew” as a verb, including my favorite – to “Jew it up.”

Jew [Something] Up

Situation: You have close Jewish friends coming over for a “holiday” party, and the blue-and white lights just aren’t enough to make them feel welcome. [Note: Jews always appreciate your sad attempts to make us feel welcome with subtle acknowledgement of our third-least important holiday that happened six weeks prior.]

Example: “We only have five candles to Jew up the mantle, but they’re all different sizes!”


5 Responses to “When Your Interior Monologue Becomes External”

  1. Queen Hotchibobo May 9, 2013 at 11:27 pm #

    I’m from the general vicinity of OK (well, a mile from the state line, anyway) and none of us think a thing of using that term. When someone says, “Will you Jew a little?” it’s not considered a slur or anything. I can’t believe that will ever cost him a second of lost sleep or a vote.

    But it’s funny.

  2. Mike Levine (@bizmichael) May 10, 2013 at 8:43 pm #

    Don’t credit me or anything, I hate that shit.

  3. Anonymous May 11, 2013 at 10:07 am #

    It’s our sense of humor that has sustained us as a people for 3000 years. -Tim Watley, converted Jew

  4. Anonymous June 12, 2013 at 4:28 pm #

    Stupid question re: Internal Monologue vs. External Monologue. My business partner is from a small town in Kansas. His mom was a lunch lady. Her name is Janice. She has a “lazy” eye… I was reading that piece, and I thought, “No way…” No way, right?
    FWIW, I found your blog link through at ACE of Spades.

  5. Empire of Jeff July 25, 2013 at 12:21 pm #

    I linked directly to your piece, Mike. Was there something else you needed? Send me an 8×10 glossy and I’ll add it to the post. HAPPY?

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