Google Glasses: Because The Douchebag Hipster Look Wasn’t Getting You Enough Asskickings

12 Mar

You may have heard the buzz surrounding the impending release of Google Glasses – an exciting new technology that promises “Augmented Reality” for wearers of its high-tech spectacles.  That’s sounds pretty great, right?  Unfortunately, the power to augment reality comes with a price…  

You hear that?  That's the sound of panties hitting the floor all up in this bitch, player.

You hear that? That’s the sound of panties hitting the floor all up in this bitch, player.

Now, if it was as simple as just looking like a complete attention-starved jackass, then I’ve got no problem with this product.  What bothers me is the breathless excitement and false claims of this being some type of game-changing technological breakthrough.  Augmented Reality?  This is what you’re led to believe:

"JARVIS, initialize Murder Suit and refuckulate power to the repulsors."

“JARVIS, initialize Murder Suit and refuckulate power to the repulsors.”

Here’s what you actually get:

"Not now, Glasses, I CAN'T SEEEeeeeeeee!"

“Not now, Glasses, I CAN’T SEEEeeeeeeee!”

It used to be you’d have to cover your eyes with your hand if you wanted to make yourself tumble down a flight of stairs and have the clothes on your freshly paralyzed sack of splintered bones rifled through by the hobos living in the abandoned subway station you just fell into.  But now, thanks to Google Glasses and its revolutionary hands-free technology, YOU DON’T HAVE TO

Actually, this picture is a little dated.  Apparently, after a couple of interns mysteriously disappeared into the bowels of New York City, it was decided that the display could be a little dangerous.  Here’s the latest look at what Google Glasses can do for you.

Did you see all that?!  It has a clock!  And a map!  And a video camera! 

I know what you’re thinking – “My cell phone already has all those things.” Well actually, your cell phone has more than those things.  Because one thing the Glasses can’t do is make phone calls.  So you’ll need a cell phone to make calls.  And to use as a tethered modem if you’re not near a publicly accessible Wi-Fi hotspot, which presumably will send your mobile data costs through the roof .  But if you’ll just think about it, I think you’ll agree, that being freed from the tyranny of having to reach into your pocket to check the weather or time is well worth the estimated price of LESS THAN $1,500, whatever the fuck that means.  Specs on battery life are not available, but if you’ll take a look at the size of the unit the asshole in the top picture is wearing, I would conservatively estimate it as “not very long.” It’s located on the right arm of the glasses, and sits snugly against your skull, so when that sumbitch starts heating up like all batteries do when in heavy use, you can look forward to a mild burning sensation on your scalp.  THE PROGRESS –  IT BUUURRNNNSSS!!!

Yes, they’re not very big for something that stores video, pictures and can help you instantly mispronounce Cantonese while attempting to buy half a pound of bok choy in Chinatown from a man who will frown and say, “I’m Korean, asshole.”  So how do they fit all that capability into such a small space?  Simple.  They don’t.  So where are all these videos, pictures and voice recordings going to be stored?  In The Cloud, baby!  Everything’s in The Cloud these days, right?

Let’s talk about what “The Cloud” is.  The Cloud is a term for “computer servers somewhere else that you connect to through the Internet.”  This is going to be a tethered device.  What it’s going to be tethered to – is Google’s servers.  What that means is that we are now going to have a bunch of assholes running around, making video recordings of public places, likely including you, and that information is going to be stored on Google’s servers.  I’m sure they won’t share that information with anyone, though.  That would Be Evil.  Is anyone else a little concerned or annoyed that Google needs to pry into every crevice and orifice on the surface of the planet?  Apparently, I’m not the only one.

A Seattle bar has pre-emptively banned Google Glass from its premises, generating mixed reactions online, but also raising questions about whether they will present a privacy concern when used in public spaces.
The 5 Point Café made its intentions clear with a post on its Facebook page last week: “For the record, The 5 Point is the first Seattle business to ban in advance Google Glasses. And ass kickings will be encouraged for violators,” it said alongside a graphic of an eye adorned with the glasses, and a red cross struck through.
Damn straight.  And I’ll tell you something else – this trend of employees Facebooking and Twittering all kinds of uncomplimentary and/or proprietary shit about their employers is about to look like crayon grafitti.  Wait until you start seeing embarrassing videos coming out of the workplace.  That’s one way to create job openings, I guess.  And ladies, look forward to seeing more upskirt and/or cleavage shots of yourself hitting an Internet near you.  THE FUTURE IS NOW, FAKE INTERNET FRIENDS!

13 Responses to “Google Glasses: Because The Douchebag Hipster Look Wasn’t Getting You Enough Asskickings”

  1. Mark formerly in Spokane,now in Sandy Ut March 13, 2013 at 2:26 am #

    Jeff, don’t soft soap me, tell me what you really think.

  2. EC March 13, 2013 at 8:40 am #

    “And ladies, look forward to seeing more upskirt and/or cleavage shots of yourself hitting an Internet near you.”

    Where do I sign up?

    SRSLY….I predict a lot more places are going to implement anti-recording by-laws. No one wants to have some asshole show up with these glasses and record everything in 720p for uploading to the cloud. Try going to a restaurant with a hand-held camcorder and do the same thing, you’ll be asked to leave.

  3. Empire of Jeff March 13, 2013 at 9:28 am #

    There are many jurisdictions with anti-eavesdropping statutes or that require two-party consent for taping. I look forward to prosecutions of the dumb eager beavers that run afoul of these laws with their “look what I taped this guy doing LOL” YouTube uploads.

  4. Warden March 13, 2013 at 1:19 pm #

    Oh, man. I just can’t wait for more uninteresting trivialities to be documented and trumpeted to the world by shallow, self absorbed people. There’s definitely not enough of that going around these day.

  5. moerawn March 13, 2013 at 10:20 pm #

    Can they see through a bitch’s clothing or not?!

  6. soulpile March 15, 2013 at 1:04 am #

    Yeah, this thing doesn’t look very revolutionary. Plus, the whole tied to google thing is ridiculous.

  7. Kristophr March 18, 2013 at 1:51 am #

    Now if the fucker superimposed a reticule for where my revolver was pointing, I’d buy it in a heartbeat.

  8. Kristophr March 18, 2013 at 1:52 am #

    Or even better, displayed an image from a small vid-cam mounted on a pistol rail … you could put your hand around a corner and shoot without exposing more than your hand.

  9. Kristophr March 18, 2013 at 1:53 am #

    This is useful tech. It just needs to be taken away from useless hipster douches.

  10. Arbalest March 19, 2013 at 3:42 am #

    “[i]… ass kickings will be encouraged for violators[/i]”

    What, no [i]fucking murders[/i]?

  11. fastfreefall March 21, 2013 at 9:27 am #

    Vintage EoJ commentary, right on bro. I was jonesing for a new entry. Thanks EoJ!

  12. Tobias Took March 27, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    Nothing happening here either, huh.

  13. Empire of Jeff March 27, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    At least my comments work.

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