It’s Here: The Inaugural Empire Of Jeff Bourbon-Cast

21 Aug

I know it’s been a long time since I posted, but I haven’t spent ALL my time fucking off, my friends.  Oh, no – I’ve been working tirelessly to bring you an even richer multimedia Empire of Jeff Newsletter experience.  And tonight, I am proud to present the first official Empire of Jeff Bourbon-Cast, recorded in Whiskey-phonic 2D sound.

If you want to bookmark my podcast page, you can find it at

WARNING:  NSFW.  There is some profanity here.  Hi, I’m Jeff.  Have we met?  Do not play this in front of your kids and come bitching to me later that the wife put you out of the house.  Click below and get your listen on.

Episode 1 – A Fistful of Rape

Don’t worry, from start to finish, it’s only about 4 minutes long.  Not trying to bore the tits off you.

47 Responses to “It’s Here: The Inaugural Empire Of Jeff Bourbon-Cast”

  1. logprof August 22, 2012 at 12:33 am #

    Crap, the wife is around. Gotta wait at least until tomorrow to listen. :-/

  2. Empire of Jeff August 22, 2012 at 12:41 am #

    It’s not sexist or vulgar. Just some f-bombs.

  3. wheatietoo August 22, 2012 at 12:43 am #

    That’s some funny shit, EoJ.
    Good on ya.

    I really hope you’re right….that we won’t remember who Aiken is in two years.
    Rather than his name living forever in infamy…as the guy whose severe case of stupids, fucked up an election year that we should’ve won.

  4. Empire of Jeff August 22, 2012 at 12:49 am #

    Thanks. I was kinda unsure about the whole thing. I think I write comedy okay, but wasn’t sure if it would translate to audio. The only thing I was sure of is to keep it under 5 minutes. Just like sex: Get in, smack it around, and get out before the police can respond.

  5. wheatietoo August 22, 2012 at 12:59 am #

    You did great….you have a really nice voice.
    And I was cracking up, all the way through it.

  6. Sean Bannion August 22, 2012 at 7:29 am #

    We want video Jeff! Complete with an Ewok sidekick…and a theme song.

  7. fastfreefall August 22, 2012 at 9:17 am #

    Mr EoJ,
    that was some good shit. After hearing your voice, are you by chance the same dude that does those backroom casting porn shoots?

  8. Mark formerly in Spokane,now in Sandy Ut August 22, 2012 at 9:37 am #

    It was vulgar, irreverent, and SO unpc. I LOVED it.

  9. Hedgehog August 22, 2012 at 10:05 am #

    Good stuff EoJ. Sounded like there was a cigar present also.

  10. Joe in TX August 22, 2012 at 10:32 am #

    Spot on Jeff, I look foward to the next installment.

  11. EC August 22, 2012 at 11:35 am #

    Ever think about doing movie reviews?

  12. Trippy August 22, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    I was going to respond to some of your points, then remembered this was EOJ. So….what was the intro song? i cannot remember it.

  13. naturalfake August 22, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Was that “Natural One” by Folk Implosion?
    Sounded like it. Only a more kickass version.

    Great initial podcast- you have the mellow, well-enunciated voice of a professional Jack-in-the-Box drive thru monkey.

    i kid because I love. Keep up the good work.

  14. Empire of Jeff August 22, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    The song is “Connected” by Stereo MCs.

  15. Mr. Dana Z. (@dananjcon) August 22, 2012 at 7:37 pm #

    Cant get it to play on my kindle **sniff**sniff** oh the humanity.

  16. Mr. Dana Z. (@dananjcon) August 22, 2012 at 7:40 pm #

    DOH!! Kindle doesnt suppory adobe flash…damn it all to hell.

  17. Empire of Jeff August 22, 2012 at 8:06 pm #

    Dana, go to the page and click on the “download” link and it will export it as an MP3 if your Kindle can play that format.,

    Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

  18. moerawn August 22, 2012 at 9:09 pm #

    Hysterical. Except there was no sexism or vulgarity. I think I’ll pour a couple of fingers of Russell’s Reserve and listen to it again.

  19. Hedgehog August 22, 2012 at 9:20 pm #

    EoJ you need to have a suggestion box for the topics offuture Bourbon-casts. Email? Comments section? We can also include the choice of Bourbon for the subject.

  20. Kansas Gman August 23, 2012 at 3:56 am #

    You sound exactly like……

    Larry the Cable Guy!

  21. kayfromcarroll(IntheBellyoftheBeast) August 23, 2012 at 7:35 am #

    Awww…WAY TOO MELLOW! Where’s the OUTRAGE Eleventy1!1!!11!!
    Just kidding. I burned out on the outrage a couple days ago. Was just thinking last night…Thank God for work. Yeah, right. But, there it is. Yup. I was GLAD to be stuck at work for 14 hours, so I wouldn’t have to hear the endless yammering about Akin….

    Back to the real issues of the campaign. And great job, EOJ. Love your stuff.

  22. Empire of Jeff August 23, 2012 at 10:15 am #


    I’ve listened to myself and I swear I can’t pick up much of a Southern accent, but the Canadians insist they hear banjos when I talk.

    Seriously, is it that obvious?

  23. GMLand August 23, 2012 at 10:58 am #

    Well done. And by well done of course I mean, it didn’t suck. The first tug on the bourbon and the ‘ah, fuck yea, that’s good bourbon’ had me riveted and made me a lifelong subscriber. Being a transplanted Texan living in Tennessee, I didn’t pick up on any accent either. You sounded downright suburban!

  24. George Orwell August 23, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    You. Magnificent. Bastard.

  25. logprof August 23, 2012 at 11:11 am #

    Okay, is there anyway to download this to my ‘puter as an MP3?

  26. San Antonio Rose August 23, 2012 at 11:12 am #

    Loved it. You have a great voice. No accent that I can hear. But then again I am a big haired Texas gal, so wtf do I know?? Oh yeah, I shoot hobos too.

  27. George Orwell August 23, 2012 at 11:13 am #

    is there anyway to download this to my ‘puter as an MP3?

    Let him put his audio inside you. All four minutes of it. I smoked a Chesterfield afterwards.

  28. Penfold August 23, 2012 at 11:18 am #

    This was posted at Ace’s and I figured I would wander on over here and say “excellent job!” Don’t have anything ugly to say, but looking forward to the next one.

  29. Jazz August 23, 2012 at 11:26 am #

    Duuude, there’s a BEVERAGE here!

    Very Lebowski-ish….I was rolling! ;D

  30. Steveo August 23, 2012 at 11:40 am #

    Tree Bark Soup? Great stuff! Thanks for the highlight of my day.

  31. Aussie August 23, 2012 at 12:04 pm #

    Loved it – very funny! More please….from an insomniac Down Under who reads Ace every night and occasionally comments!

  32. George Orwell August 23, 2012 at 12:05 pm #

    We owe Empire of Jeff a debt of gratitude for alerting the nation to a peril which we must oppose with good government: Register all human femur bones! Weapons like these must not be allowed to infiltrate our streets and across borders into the hands of Mexican drug cartels. Every person who possesses a human femur bone must register their weapon. This is no great burden. So, if you have, say, three femur bones, you merely must fill out, notarize, duplicate, archive, register and deliver the permit forms three times. Do it. For the children.

  33. SOYLENT GREEN August 23, 2012 at 12:54 pm #

    Outstanding first foray into the sonic sardonic, Empire of Jeff.
    Keep the whiskey chilled.

  34. RKinRoanoke August 23, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    EoJ – Got here through AOSHQ and I am glad I wandered over. Nice way to pop your podcast cherry.
    Some very good lines and I loved the tinkling ice cubes. I could not do that particular sound effect as I prefer a good single malt, neat. But I could almost smell the mash. I will come by and sample the irreverance. Adam Corolla beware.

  35. PJ (@museisluse) August 23, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    No noticeable accent to me and I am a transplanted Minnesotan to Virginia, via KS, MO, NY, NJ and PA. Although Canadians think everyone oot and aboot have an accent, eh?

  36. BigGator5 August 23, 2012 at 2:10 pm #

    “If you can’t say something nice… Say something ugly.”

    LMAO! Great stuff. Loved it! Can I put that on my random quote section of my website?

  37. Paul August 23, 2012 at 2:25 pm #

    Jeff, I love it !!! I just bookmarked your site and I’ll add it to my daily list.

  38. Colonel Buzz August 23, 2012 at 3:02 pm #

    Seriously funny, Jeff. More please!

  39. West August 23, 2012 at 3:45 pm #

    Shoulda known you were a bourbon drinker. Great job.

  40. real joe August 23, 2012 at 4:15 pm #

    Just got to hear this. Funny shit, yo.

  41. tmi3rd August 23, 2012 at 4:22 pm #

    Fucking epic, my friend. I give it two w’yats up, brah. Now go make dem groceries witcha mom an’dem.

  42. Drdoct August 23, 2012 at 4:43 pm #

    How in the hell did someone like you slip past me all these years and I never read a word you’ve written? Well I’ve read down your blog a few months worth and would read more, but I’m already feeling stalkerish and after jerking off to your run in with the union geeks on each installment… I’m just spent. Your Bradley story is hilarious too. Great podcast too. How often do you plan on doing those?

  43. T-Bone August 23, 2012 at 5:55 pm #

    Excellent work, Jeff, and riotously funny.

  44. waelse1 August 23, 2012 at 10:20 pm #

    Funny stuff, more please. At least after this Akins shit is over.

  45. Empire of Jeff August 23, 2012 at 10:55 pm #

    Thanks everyone. Hoping to put out one of these a week, but probably more frequent than that for the next week while the wife is away.

  46. August 24, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

    Awesome first episode. Your tree bark soup comment reminded me to pick up more ammo.

  47. Empire of Jeff August 24, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    Yeah, sorry on the titty-bar bit not being as legible as I hoped. It sounded ok to me, but I knew what they were saying and was wearing headphones. Plus I was drunk and unsupervised.

    Unfortunately, I didn’t save it as a project in Audacity and it all mixed down to a single mp3 stereo track, so I can’t go back and lower the volume on the background music.

    Thanks for the feedback- I’m learning as I go and am anxious to bring you the highest quality dick jokes that modern technology can offer.

    Sent from my Windows Phone ________________________________

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