The Ryan Plan for Medicare, With Guest Poster Representative Paul Ryan

14 Aug
Tonight, I’ve asked Representative Paul Ryan to guest post in response to some of the vicious smears the Obama campaign has published about his so-called plan to “gut” Medicare.  Congressman, thanks for spending some time with us. 

Thanks for having me on the EoJ Newsletter, Jeff, and allowing me to explain to your reader exactly how Governor Romney and I plan to save Medicare and get America back on the path to fiscal responsibility.

Now, as you all know, there’s a lot of scare-mongering out there about how we plan to slash Medicare benefits for current retirees.

This is absolute horseshit.

The Ryan Plan to reduce the number of seniors on Medicare has nothing to do with slashing benefits.  Will there be slashing?  Oh my, yes.  See the blade, how it catches the light?  See how the light dances and laughs along its cruel edge!  See how Grandpa’s eyes shine with fear as he sees-

– where was I?  Yes.  Reducing the number of seniors on Medicare without cutting benefits.  Seems like magic, doesn’t it?  A little bit of “voodoo economics,” perhaps?

Friends, the solution is simple:  We simply need to reduce the number of seniors.


Folks, this is basic economics.  Supply and demand.  If we reduce the supply of seniors, they won’t be demanding we pay for their shit all the time, like Hoverounds, six-packs of Ensure and the free diabeetus supplies that irresponsible Wilford Brimley bastard keeps promising them.  Fucking Wilford Brimley.

But it’s not just as straightforward as reducing our headcount, folks.  Governor Romney and I are committed to remaking how the federal government treats your tax dollars.  And we demand they treat them with respect.

You’re all aware of the recent GSA scandal, where federal employees decided to throw lavish, million-dollar parties on our dime.  No More!  We are cleaning house and getting rid of the waste, and what better place to start than with Medicare?  Did you know that Medicare currently pays for a NEW wheelchair for every enrollee?  What happens to those wheelchairs once the Medicare enrollee is no longer using it?  NOTHING!  It sits and rusts, or gets shoved in a closet somewhere.  For a supposedly “green” president, Barack Obama seems pretty unconcerned about recycling these valuable medical devices.

Not on my watch, folks.  That’s The Ryan Difference.

All done with your wheelchair, Gam-Gam?

This profligate waste ends starting January 20, 2013, friends, when Governor Romney and I Take Back Your White House.

So when you’re out there and you’re hearing a bunch of nonsense about how we’re cutting benefits, you just send those nitwits over here to get it straight from the horse’s mouth.

God Bless You, my friends, and may God Bless The United States of America.

Representative Paul Ryan

4 Responses to “The Ryan Plan for Medicare, With Guest Poster Representative Paul Ryan”

  1. EC August 15, 2012 at 7:58 am #

    I thought for sure there was going to be an option where a senior could elect to receive a guaranteed 20 minutes of nature footage, accompanied with classical music of their choice, while they gaze upon images of their past one last time as they succumb to a lethal injection just before they’re converted into a soy product for human consumption.

  2. George Orwell August 15, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    I have never read a more temperate and reasoned approach to our fiscal crises. This is the kind of analysis that cooler heads have been demanding. You are a magnificent motherfucker and I will follow you through a hell lubricated with the guts of the elderly and back, so long as you let me take pictures.

  3. jonathan swift August 15, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    Sounds like a reasonable, modest proposal.

  4. West August 16, 2012 at 10:14 am #

    F’in old people. Sign me up.

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