He Could Always Tell His Wife The Bath Salts Made Him Do It

26 Jul

After all, it has a history of causing you to get naked and eat people.

All I could hear about on the ride home today was how Kristen Stewart, best known as emo teen cutter Bella Swan… Seriously?  Bella Swan?  That’s the character’s fucking name?  Okay, I just looked it up and confirmed that Stephanie Meyer is indeed that much of a hack.  Anyway, she plays the female lead in the Twilight films, and from what I could tell from the one movie my wife allowed me to take her to, it involves her mostly moping around and looking angsty.

Anyway, the big buzz is about how she admitted to having an affair with her director on the film Snow White and the Huntsman.  Her director, Rupert Sanders, who is married and has two children with one of her co-stars.  She admitted it, of course, AFTER pictures of her and this douchebag were leaked.


I don’t know a lot about vampire lore, but I think you’re supposed to bite her on the neck, not the vagina.


I know, I’m stooping to celebrity gossip, but I just had to say, I feel bad for her long-term boyfriend Robert Pa-something.  My first wife cheated on me with one of her co-workers, too, but at least the whole country didn’t see pictures of it.  Although I wish they had – I probably would have done better on the financial settlement.  And although this dude is already in constant danger of being smothered by a panty-tsunami, by all accounts he was a faithful and dutiful partner, so I doubt even Brad Branson could dig him out of his funk right now.  Humiliation and betrayal are not exactly the most powerful aphrodisiacs.

As for Rupert Sanders (pictured above with his box lunch), what a shitball.  And now your kids are going to know what a piece of shit you are.

If you have any kind of decent relationship with your children, they think you are the best, bravest, kindest, funniest, most handsome and special man in the world.  How could you trade how that makes you feel for anything, much less a pale, pasty piece of homely ass who’s young enough to BE one of those children.  Ugh.  Man card:  PULLED.

However, the same people who right now are decrying the “values” of Chik-Fil-A are going to continue to patronize the films of these two paragons of virtue.




9 Responses to “He Could Always Tell His Wife The Bath Salts Made Him Do It”

  1. Bcochran1981 July 26, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

    Not gonna lie, I totally would. Pale, pasty, angsty, sounds like low self esteem to me. Couple of drinks and bingo.

  2. Kansas Gman July 26, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    Ummm…Robert Pattinson is a homosexual. This “relationship” he has with Kristin Stewart is one of those fake Hollywood romances that shows up in US Magazine to keep these dudes marketable and employable as leading men. There is a long line of these going back to Rock Hudson. Think Jake Gyllenhaal, Michael Jackson, members of the Backstreet Boys, Leonardo DiCaprio, etc, etc……..

  3. Ghost July 26, 2012 at 8:04 pm #

    Boxed lunch. Fuckin priceless

  4. Empire of Jeff July 26, 2012 at 8:24 pm #

    Ehh… I doubt he’s gay. He’s not a Scientologist – they would have issued him an attractive beard with no libido.

    And in case you were unaware, while DiCaprio may be a douche bag, he’s banged a platoon of supermodels already and there are always more lining up. He’s like the Brad Branson of Hollywood, except he doesn’t have to do the normal nice guy thing. He just goes straight to “fuckin’ pulling her hair and biting her neck.”

    It’s a pretty safe bet that he’s straight.

    Hey, wait a minute! You’re sayin Rock Hudson was gay?! Yeah, right. Next you’ll be trying to tell me Tony Curtis fielded more balls than Reggie Jackson.

  5. logprof July 27, 2012 at 1:53 am #

    Memo to all women out there: avoid marrying a dude named Rupert at all costs. It cannot end well.

  6. soulpile July 27, 2012 at 2:16 am #

    I’m sad that this surrounds what is my favorite film this year… what a screwup. Sheesh. Can’t these hollywoodites just keep it in their pants? Or at least manage to keep it private?

  7. Kansas Gman July 27, 2012 at 3:00 am #

    Jeff…..growing up, my little sister had a crush on George Michael. I tried to tell her to no avail, that he was exclusively a cocksmoker. You and all these foolish Twilight fan girls will have to learn the hard way a couple years from now when Patterson gets arrested for public indecency at a Jersey Turnpike rest area.

  8. lauraw July 27, 2012 at 6:53 am #

    The drama club attracts people who are at the core (mainly) silly, unserious, shallow, and theatrical. These characteristics make them good at their jobs and bad at fidelity.

    *blocks out memory of Hugh Jackman being all giggly in a TV interview years ago*

    no…to me you will always be Wolverine

  9. moerawn July 28, 2012 at 2:40 pm #

    Yeah and somebody said Liberace was gay, too. You just never know with some of these celebrities.

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