Giving My Son The Gift Of ULTIMATE POWER Over Women

24 Jul

Vacation time is almost upon us.  Every summer, we take our Master Race to Mackinac Island, Michigan for a few days to relax.  With the hectic pace of our lives, it’s always a nice way to put on the brakes:  with no cars on the island, you’re forced to slow down and take it easy.  Leisurely strolls, bike rides, and at the Grand Hotel, there’s always the opportunity to let the kids practice their best manners.  Past 6 p.m. on the hotel grounds, jacket and tie are required for gentlemen, and dresses for the ladies.  After dinner, there is drinks and dancing with all my girls, but starting last year, The Heir decided he wanted to branch out and dance with girls who weren’t his sisters.

And so my son got his first wingman.

As he was only six years old, I kept my advice simple:  find a girl you like, approach her and introduce yourself.  “Hi, my name is The Heir.  Would you like to dance?”

The first couple of tries did not go well.  Mostly because girls his age are too shy to dance with boys.  But, like the trooper he is, he kept plugging away and danced with three different girls in one night.  That’s my boy.  But, like any good wingman, I’m always thinking How could I increase his hit rate?  What advice can I give him to step up his game? 

Then I remembered that there’s all kinds of information on the Internet.  And that’s when I found what may be the most awesome website in the entire world.  With advice for both the novice and advanced player, Brad Branson gives you so many lady-killing skills that you’ll need a St. Bernard to dig you out of the vagina-lanche of strange pooter that’s going to come rolling down the mountain.  For the first time in the Empire of Jeff Newsletter, I am going to have to put this EXPLOSIVE dating advice below the fold, because I cannot be held responsible for what you do with the ULTIMATE POWER OVER WOMEN these secrets will give you.

Forget about Brad Branson’s resumé.  Do you trust me?  DO YOU?  Good.  Trust me on this:  You Want To Be Like Brad.  That’s all you need to know, playboy.  Read the article.

From the get-go, Brad is droppin’ the fuckin’ SCIENCE.

…lately I’ve really like the true nonsense openers, where I’ll  just go up to a girl and be like “Plaid shirt!  You’re wearing a plaid  shirt!  Hi, my name is Brad.”

Now what does this say about me trying to impress the girl?  I am  literally saying the most obvious, basic thing in the world.  I just  DON’T CARE.  And she feels this.

That is so counter-intuitive that you just know it’s going to work.

What does it say about me if I don’t care?  I am coming from the higher  value frame.  High value=attraction.  Cool.

See?  SCIENCE.  There’s even an equation in there.

The BIGGEST thing to remember, over and over I reiterate it, is USE  BREAKING RAPPORT TONALITY!

Seriously guys.  It is so important.  It is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING for  conveying your value right away.

I have seen guys with REAL shitty inner game, but if their tonality is  spot on, they can still get it done.  Like major success, so start  paying attention to your tonality.

Okay, I don’t know what that means.  It does sound sciency, though.  It could be like in the movie Dune, when Paul used that Weirding voice to make people do what he says.  Except Brad is probably going to be saying things like, “you have no need of that… ***PEPPER SPRAY***…”

I almost always fall into the sarcastic frame of being shy.  I’ll be  physically manhandling the girl but at the same time be like, “Yeah, I am just a shy boy from the Midwest, please don’t take advantage  of me.”

-as I physically man handle the girl, and she is like “You most definitely are NOT shy!”

It disengages her logical mind and keeps things playful.  And I think it  is funny as hell because it is so obvious that I am not shy.

Okay, NOW we’re back on track with some more practical applications.  You see the constant mind games?  “I care, but I DON’T care.  I say I’m shy, but I’m fuckin’ MANHANDLING you, gurrl!” He’s blowing her mind, subconciously setting the stage for her to blow him later.  SCIENCE!

But now it’s time to close escrow the way only a smooth operator like Brad can:

Another one I have pretty much trademarked:

“You don’t even want to know what I would do to you.”

I use this little bad boy every time I really want to amp up the sexual  energy, especially in a verbal direction.

Almost every time she will ask “What would you do to me?” and it gives  you the green light to get super explicit.

What would I do to you?  Put your severed head with the rest of my collection and fuck your neck stump!  Is that explicit enough?  Alarmingly, it may not close the deal on the spot and you may be not be getting the overt enthusiam signals you’re looking for.  That’s why sometimes, Brad knows you have to take a bitch’s temperature to see how hot she is for you.

Lastly, when going for the pull a lot of times I’m trying to see where  the girl’s buying temperature is at, see how ready she is to leave with  me.   So if I am getting ready to leave, I will usually say something  like:

“Oh my god, this is probably the last and only time I will ever see you,  that is so sad?”

With obvious sarcasm, and at the same time I am staring her fucking down  hardcore, full BEDROOM eyes.  This is a good gauge to see what they are  down for.

Ehhh… I don’t know, Brad.  Seems kind of desperate.  I mean, it seems like you’re kind of losing control of the situation.  Going soft, even.

Now remember, this can look a little weak, like verbally it looks a  little chode, but you have to realize how ALPHA everything else I am  doing is.

It’s playful!

The amount of alpha/high value/leader/unapologetic tendencies I project  in a given interaction allow me to go in almost under the radar, more  for self amusement than anything else.

The “CHODE TO EXPLODE” technique.

Oh my God, he’s like the Sun-Tzu of cocksmen.  MORE SCIENCE.  It’s like it’s not even fair, the amount of fucking game Brad has.

I’ll come in like the normal nice dude, and when that shit hooks I’ll fucking pull her hair and bite her neck.  Then say I am shy, and frazzle her brain.

Okay, that pretty much sums up the Brad Branson Method:  Always leave room for the insanity defense later, in case she’s able to escape from your basement.  If you want to spend a weekend in Brad’s Boot Camp, where he will be your personal wingman, he is available.  It will cost you $2,000, but as he says – Can you afford NOT to?  What’s the worst that can happen?  You strike out?  Brad’s there, dude!  He’s your wingman!  What, you think Brad’s not gonna toss you a couple of vagina-crumbs from the royal table?  He does it for the love of the game, player.

Still, you must learn to walk before you can be indicted for sexual assault.  So, in the meantime, I think I’ll stick with the tried and true methods that won me the love of his mother.  Alcohol.

9 Responses to “Giving My Son The Gift Of ULTIMATE POWER Over Women”

  1. wyojosh July 24, 2012 at 11:53 pm #

    The man’s got game! Not to brag, but I’ve kind of worked up a variation on the whole “you don’t even want to know what I’d do to you!” I go with: “You don’t even want to know what I’ve got in the back of my van! No, way in the back under those black plastic garbage bags that stink of fear and despair. You’ll probably want to climb way back in there to see it for yourself. I’ll hold your purse!”

    If she looks like a smart girl I like to use an open-ended question as my opening to get an intellectual conversation going: “If you could assemble only one rape kit and have that be the only rape kit you’ll ever have again for the rest of your life, but money was no object, what would you put in it?”

  2. mac July 25, 2012 at 1:27 am #

    Another awesome post. Warms my black heart in a way that only Monty’s DOOM posts could.

    Dude’s a legend in his own mind. But what do I know? I’m only married, running cleaning patches through Garand’s M1 boomstick, and surrounded by greenbacks.

    ProTip: put the duct tape, cable ties, skinning knife, and garbage bags in a daypack you use for ‘hiking.’ Also, replace the water purification tables with rohypnol. You don’t even have to hide dropping them in her drink!

  3. Kansas Gman July 25, 2012 at 2:56 am #

    WTF? Did Charlie Sheen just take over this blog?

  4. EC July 25, 2012 at 8:50 am #

    I’m getting a very “Ed Gein” vibe from this guy. Jeff, don’t let your son grow up to be a serial killer wearing lady parts.

  5. ib1netmon July 25, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    “WTF? Did Charlie Sheen just take over this blog?”

    Charlie has a much simpler method. He pays his women. Foolproof.

  6. spongeworthy (@spongeworthy2) July 25, 2012 at 1:41 pm #

    The best way to break down a woman’s defenses is to touch her face. A guy might say, “Hey, you’ve got, I’ll get it” and rub her cheek or something like she’s got some smutz there. A player your boy’s age might go with nudging a non-existent boog from his target’s nostril or even the milk-‘stache play.

    Regardless of your premise, you want to be firm but gentle. Trust me, this method can lead to hours of sweet sweet “Doctor” behind the fudge shop. Wish I could be there to help, EoJ!

  7. Krebs v Carnot July 25, 2012 at 2:03 pm #

    You had me at “Mackinac Island”. Urbane and snarky! Set The Heir to studying the latter and he will go far!

    As for “Da Playa”, please gives us a heads up when he’s arrested and scheduled for trial.

  8. lauraw July 27, 2012 at 6:43 am #

    The best way to break down a woman’s defenses is to touch her face. A guy might say, “Hey, you’ve got, I’ll get it” and rub her cheek or something like she’s got some smutz there.

    This is true. And be sure to lick your fingers before and after. Especially if it’s booger.

  9. Jerry Sandusky July 27, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

    How did this asshole get my diary?

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