Making New Friends: Jeff Crosses The Picket Line

17 Jul

There are nuclear engineers on strike in front of my building. Last year, the Canadian government sold their commercial reactor business to a private company, mainly because it was an inefficient gagglefuck of public sector unionized layabouts with lifetime tenure and guaranteed government pensions.

And when the government of fucking CANADA decides you’re not worth spending money on anymore, you have reached the pinnacle of uselessness.

So, the company that bought this division has decided they don’t want to guarantee pensions, and you nerds can go on the local version of 401(k) plans.

“Pay for our own retirement?!” the nerds cried. “Unreasonable!”

And so now they’re picketing my office building, in which their employer has recently leased office space, but they haven’t even moved in, yet. Their company leases about five large buildings in the area, so Ive seen them around.

What they do is mill around the entrance to the two driveways of the parking lot and block traffic, asking you to roll down your window and asking you where you work. This usually results in their “scab” coworkers soaking up a ration of shit from these idiots for crossing the picket line,  while the traffic piles up in the street behind them.

Until they stopped my truck and asked me where I work.

“None of your goddamn business, Sparky. That’s where I work. Now move that cone and get the fuck out of my way.”

“But we’re on str-”

“Shut. UP. I don’t give a shit about your labor dispute. I don’t work for you or with you. You keep getting in my way and it’s going to get ugly.  MOVE.”

After a few seconds of excited blinking, they hurriedly moved the cones aside and I sped past, 5.2l v8 belching aromatic hydrocarbon fumes.  For the next hour I sat at my desk, thinking That was FUN.  And there’s another group of them in the other driveway – I need to go out for some coffee!

You can imagine how the next trip went.  By now, the word had obviously spread to not talk to the asshole in the black F-150.  Because when I started hauling ass back down the driveway for lunch, this is what I saw:


Here comes The Pain Train, you lazy piece of shit.


On the way back from lunch, I swung back over to the other driveway to see if there was anyone I hadn’t met.  As it turns out, there was a fat little dumpling waddling slowly in front of me as I returned.

“Hey, lady!  If you work as slow as you walk, it’s no wonder you’re out of a job.”

“Where do you-”

“AGAIN.  None. Of. Your. Business.  MOVE IT.”

“Well, legally, we’re allowed to slow you-”

“BullSHIT you aaaaarrrrrreeeee…”

That last was hollered as I whipped my truck around her “muscle”, some skinny-ass Asian kid in a tank top.  You ain’t big enough to block a driveway by yourself, Scooter.

Again, let me stress:  these are nuclear engineers on strike.  Not exactly your Teamsters or Pipefitters Local.  They have never spent this much time in the sun, and it’s over 100 degrees outside.  They’re not built for confrontation.  And my boss, who owns the building, has decided that he will do whatever he can to bring maximum misery to these whining pissmires.  And they’re in it for the long haul.

If you have any suggestions for creative insults, jokes or scorn that you would like passed along, please leave them in the comments.  This will be an ongoing project until the strike is over or I am jailed without Internet access.


27 Responses to “Making New Friends: Jeff Crosses The Picket Line”

  1. Mr. Dana Z. (@dananjcon) July 17, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    When you drive up, roll the window down and make like you wanna talk, ask how they are doing and as they are about reply crank up some slayer you’ve already got cued up. Rinse repeat.

  2. July 17, 2012 at 10:59 pm #

    For lunch tomorrow fill up an empty jar of mayonnaise with pudding. Park your car at the picket line, get out and lean against it. Then open the jar and begin eating it with a spoon, all the while looking at them in a menacing fashion. Then, when you’re done, slowly get back into your car and drive away.

    Minds will be blown.

  3. museisluse July 17, 2012 at 11:07 pm #

    I can’t believe there are only two comments on this item of beauty written in pure poetry. I will need to sleep on this to come with an insult worthy of the Mighty Jeff.

  4. Anonymous July 17, 2012 at 11:16 pm #

    I have heard of Exlax Brownies being fed to picketers.
    Which could be…diabolical…if they have to walk a long way to the bathrooms.

  5. wheatietoo July 17, 2012 at 11:19 pm #

    I have heard of Exlax Brownies being fed to picketers.
    Which could be…diabolical…if they have to walk a long way to the bathrooms. <<<

    That was me, btw….dunno why that posted as 'Anonymous'.

  6. The Jackhole July 17, 2012 at 11:24 pm #

    Drive up with your window down. As they walk up, roll up the window and lay on the horn for about 30 seconds. Then go on your way.

  7. fastfreefall July 18, 2012 at 7:20 am #

    open a lemonade stand in the middle of ’em. Put up big signs and shit about a sale. For some reason that seems funny as hell. Even better if they give you business.

  8. red sweater July 18, 2012 at 10:40 am #

    Sandals *without* socks? Man, it really must be hot out there.

  9. Rob July 18, 2012 at 10:53 am #

    Buy a round of coffee for the picketers. Lace it with some eye drops. Not toxic, but the ensuing rush to nonexistant bathrooms is comedy gold!

  10. ib1netmon July 18, 2012 at 1:57 pm #

    Thank you for striking a blow against, or at least getting some satisfaction from the antics of these lazy entitled union pricks. BTW, these are not nuclear engineers – at best they are nuclear plant operatorrs, which in a society that calls garbagemen ‘sanitation engineers’ calls these morons ‘engneers’ too. I cannot begin to tell you just how much innefficiency, corruption and waste unions are responsibe for, and words cannot encompass my white-hot hate for these useless hunks of human cholesterol in the arteries of our society.

  11. kayfromcarroll(IntheBellyoftheBeast) July 18, 2012 at 7:28 pm #

    Only 10 comments?!?!? EOJ, you need to get some guest posting privileges at AOSHQ. The comment stream could break new records…..

    I’m not creative, or I’d try to add one of my own.

    Just this one: Go to the store and get a REALLY delicious looking bottle of iced tea, make sure it’s dripping with condensation….just to get the mouth’s watering. Drive up and ask, “Are you thirsty?” Then when they say “Yeah”, and begin to reach for it, Say to him/her, “Naaah, I don’t think so”, roll up your window, take a BIG SWIG, and slooowly drive away….

  12. moerawn July 18, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

    Pull up and spew mushroom soup like in The Great Santini. Tell them you have radiation poisoning.

  13. pepelp2 July 18, 2012 at 8:11 pm #

    Great post. Just floor the truck and make ’em jump, assholes…………..

  14. Empire of Jeff July 18, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    Excellent suggestions, everyone. They weren’t there today. They decided to picket a chain of grocery stores that are owned by their parent company. What a bunch of fucking ineffective, whining pissmires. The reason nobody buys their 1950s-tech heavy water reactor designs is because THEY’RE OUTDATED. I hope all these dicks lose their jobs.

    Hopefully they’ll be back tomorrow because I have a heaping helping of abuse to dole out.

    Love you long time,


  15. museisluse July 18, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

    So tomorrow, borrow a wig and a push up NRA. Ask one of the guys if he would like to test your nuclear reactor. Or one of the women, whichever is more offensive. Oh, yes, and pictures please.

  16. museisluse July 18, 2012 at 8:37 pm #

    Bra, although NRA might work too.

  17. Ghost July 18, 2012 at 9:54 pm #

    Pull up, and start eating lobster/steak/whatever expensive piece of food you can right in front of them. Say things like, “God, this is so good! Don’t you wish you were getting paid so you could enjoy food this exquisite? It’s fucking delectable!” then finish every last bite without breaking eye contact. Then leave the shell/bone right in front of them.

    I’ll admit, this worked a lot better with the animal rights protesters outside my old job at a primate research center. “Don’t you wish you weren’t vegan pussies so you could eat stuff like this?” but I’m sure you can come up with something.

  18. Kansas Gman July 19, 2012 at 2:25 am #

    Pick them up a stack of McDonald’s applications.

  19. Someone out there July 19, 2012 at 4:14 pm #

    It would be impossible for me to come up with anything that would meet your resounding success with them. I just wish our politicians were as capable of confronting the leeching pussies that spend their lives sucking the public tit and complaining about the milk.

  20. Blue Hen July 19, 2012 at 7:22 pm #

    Contact every peacenik group, ecofreak coven and batshit stupid college LGBT herd (whatever) and tell them that there’s a bunch of nuke loving bastards picketing your vegan friendly, solar powered dildo factory. Mention that the dumpling made nuclear weapons. You just might be the first person in history to get some use out of them.

  21. Mr. Dana Z. (@dananjcon) July 19, 2012 at 7:42 pm #

    Meh…fuck it. Stink bomb em.’

  22. Anonymous July 20, 2012 at 3:58 am #

    Jeff, thank you! Blue Hen – brilliant!!!

  23. Joe in TX July 23, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    Get an old fire extinguisher (the kind you pump up to pressurize), dump in 2 cups of pancake batter, leave it out side and you and all your friends piss in it for a couple of days. When you roll through spray’em.

  24. Dave in VA July 23, 2012 at 2:43 pm #

    Three words:

    Sweep the cone.

  25. Flounder July 27, 2012 at 4:49 pm #

    Empty a bottle of this on their picket line.|/pc/104791680/c/104766480/sc/104556780/Tinks174-10-Skunk-Scent/745931.uts?destination=%2Fcatalog%2Fbrowse%2Fhunting-scents-scent-eliminators-scents-scent-eliminators%2Ftinks%2F_%2FN-1100116%2B1000004934%2FNe-1000004934%3FWTz_l%3DSBC%253BBRprd745931%26WTz_st%3DGuidedNav%26WTz_stype%3DGNU&WTz_l=SBC%3BBRprd745931%3Bcat104556780

  26. Flounder July 27, 2012 at 4:50 pm #

    Empty a bottle of this on their picket line.

    What an awful URL. That was for Tinks #10 Skunk Scent.


  1. Making New Friends III: Was It Something I Said? « The Empire of Jeff Newsletter - August 11, 2012

    […] with my war against the useless union fuckbags who are picketing my office building, you can read Part One here and the followup Part Two […]

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