How To Win Friends And Influence People When You’re All Dead Inside

26 Jun

No, seriously.  How?

Because I am almost out of ideas.  I have added staff.  I have committed resources.  I have promised rewards for those lumpen proles who please my corporate masters.  I have brought the sword to those who have stumbled and fallen short of the minimum requirements of their position.


UNEMPLOYMENT.  You’re soaking in it, motherfucker.


And yet, the downward spiral continues.  Just today, I was mentioning to our managers how we used to have this same lack of motivation and piss-poor attitude in the Dallas office, years ago.  “Oh, really?  Well, how did they turn it around, Jeff?”




I feel like the dickhead in Glengarry Glen Ross.  “Third prize is you’re fired.  Oh – have I got your attention now?”  What really pisses me off is that we have some really good employees who are in danger of losing their jobs because their managers and their co-workers don’t give a fuck if they lose this client and ALL their jobs along with it.  Because they’re a bunch of Johnny Punchclock motherfuckers who’ll just bounce from one entry-level job to the next until they figure out how to claim permanent disability from Carpal Tunnel Syndrome or Moldovian dick-rot from banging the girl with the thick accent and weird cat-eye eyeliner thing.  The Makeup Gun was definitely set to “whore” for that one.


The obvious answer is to replace everyone.  The problem is that there is no time.  And now the cocksuckers who got themselves into this mess are the ones who I have to motivate to get us out of this mess.  More importantly, you fine people are going for days without fresh dick jokes, vulgarity and vitriol.  I had a primer about the Game of Thrones novels in mind, but I’ve either been at work, at home logged into work, or drinking away the rage between logging off and falling asleep so I can do it all over again.  More later, but I’m so fucking tired right now.







12 Responses to “How To Win Friends And Influence People When You’re All Dead Inside”

  1. Kansas Gman June 26, 2012 at 11:02 pm #

    I feel your pain, Jeff. The first thing I tell all new hires at my business is that it there is their role to bring an upbeat forward thinking approach to work and to give their best effort. It is my role to train them well, give them the tools to succeed, apply appropriate praise and corrections, and then get out ass of the way while they kick the fucking shit out of the competition.(Actually, I don’t use the words “ass” or “fucking shit”, but you get the idea.) I will not be responsible for motivating any lazy cocksuckers who do not bring a positive outlook or their best effort to the job. Are you tired or not in the mood to work? Get the fuck out. Are you unable to treat every customer you encounter like they are paying your salary? Get the fuck out. Are you giving your best effort, always cheerful, and laying waste to our inferior and inept competition? Well then, thank you very much, and here is your well earned paycheck. There is lots more where that came from, young man/lady.

  2. mac June 27, 2012 at 12:13 am #

    Been there. Experience says: fire the worthless, unmotivated ones early. Barring that, nuke it from orbit, it’s the only way to be sure. The low morale of your boat anchors will infect those around them, particularly new hires. You cannot hire a new culture into a team or department without razing the old one first.

    Starting over sucks. Everyone left has to pull double-duty. But there is no less painful way. Dragging it out only prolongs the suffering for everyone. And you still have to press the red button, after months and years of failed bandaids.

  3. Pissoir Dubuque June 27, 2012 at 12:24 am #

    Moldovan dick rot! You got me!

  4. EC June 27, 2012 at 8:51 am #


    Coffee is for closers, Jeff.

  5. kayfromcarroll June 27, 2012 at 10:59 am #

    Six months ago I was in the same spot, Jeff. It is demoralizing. How ironic….My only saving grace was that my boss’s boss saw the situation and transferred me to a location that did not have that attitude. However…..the place I’m currently in DID have that problem two years ago. The solution? A THOROUGH housecleaning. Decimation throughout the ranks. Won’t help in the short term, but it will pay off in the long run. Here’s hoping you survive the immediate issue, but you DO have to be tough to survive. Your company is counting on you to do the hard, RIGHT thing. Mac is right.

  6. ib1netmon June 27, 2012 at 2:28 pm #

    “Just today, I was mentioning to our managers how we used to have this same lack of motivation and piss-poor attitude in the Dallas office, years ago. “Oh, really? Well, how did they turn it around, Jeff?”

    Uh that may have been a tactical error, since the common factor seems to be you. Let’s hope they do not make that connection.

  7. Empire of Jeff June 27, 2012 at 3:13 pm #

    I never worked in the Dallas office. The GM there had been told for a year to clean house and improve performance, and did absolutely nothing different. And 30 people got canned and the head office absorbed their functions and are thriving.

    Thank you all for the support.

  8. xbradtc June 27, 2012 at 3:32 pm #

    It’s a pain, but it still beats watching soccer.

  9. Blue Hen June 27, 2012 at 10:11 pm #

    This truly sucks. I’ll admit that when I see where I work do stupid stuff, I find it annoying, and I’ve vented about how things could be done better, and that feedback seems to be a token at best. But then I’ve gotten a reputation for handling the difficult, strange and complex projects, thanks in part to my “strong” personality. That beats being written up for my “strong” personality.

  10. Bob June 28, 2012 at 4:54 am #

    So… Will there be open jobs at the end of this? Should I start heading that way?

  11. Alaskan Warthog June 30, 2012 at 2:24 pm #

    That ‘dickhead’ in Glenngary Glen Ross was Alec Baldwin, I’ll have you know. I know, I got nothin’.

  12. fastfreefall July 1, 2012 at 6:05 pm #

    MR EOJ,
    I can empathize with your plight of figuring how to mitigate the effects of deadbeats in your operation. I spent a good deal of time and credibility capital with the boss, selling him on the virtues and value of a small group of individuals in our outfit due to their rank/skill set that he was unfamiliar with. Lo and behold, one of these individuals has been mostly a ghost and contributed nothing really to the outfit and is now raising a ruckus at evaluation time due to an average rating. So now the boss is looking at me and asking WTF!? Dude thinks I’ve been trying to sell him wolf tickets and all I can do is grind my teeth and wonder how to salvage my and the other individuals’ credibility. Fucking deluded people that have never been told the hard truth about them being average to mediocre…

    Good luck sir.

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