Silent But Deadly: The Urban Bikefag Menace

18 Jun

You see them on the streets every day – slowing down traffic by taking up just enough of the lane so that no one can pass without risking slamming head-on into oncoming traffic.

Alone, they are irritating, usually causing no more than a half-minute’s delay before the opportunity presents itself to jerk the wheel around them and cathartically mash the accelerator to the floor as a proxy for stomping the shit out of the snotty, entitled shithead holding up the entire planet.

In packs, they are a spandex uniformed, grape-smuggling rolling goatfuck, collectively emitting enough raw douchebag pheromone to send the mildest motorist into paroxysms of profanity-spewing road rage.

MOOOOVE! I KEELL YOU! I KEEEEELLL YOU AAAALLLLLL!!!

They hinder. They irritate. They annoy.

And now, THEY KILL.

San Francisco prosecutors said they would file felony vehicular manslaughter  charges against a bicyclist who allegedly hit and killed a pedestrian, in a case  that has become a flash point for debate over bicyclists’ rights in the  city.

The manslaughter charges — unusually stiff for a bicycle accident — stem  from a March 29 incident, when 36-year-old bicyclist Chris Bucchere allegedly  ran a red traffic light and plowed into 71-year-old Sutchi Hui in a crosswalk.  Hui died on April 2 of injuries related to the collision, The Wall Street  Journal reported Saturday.

This is the problem with these assholes.  They’re constantly beaking off about how they have the same “rights” as car drivers to be on the road.  What they NEVER talk about, or even acknowledge, is that they also have the same RESPONSIBILITIES as any other vehicle operator.  Stopping at stop signs?  Fuck that, I don’t want to have to switch gears, so I’ll just make a left turn in front of you and blaze through that three-way intersection, causing three cars to slam on their brakes.

Fuck you and your sissy-assed ball-hugging shorts, you selfish jerkoffs.  You’re not a “peloton.”  You’re a bunch of annoying dicks.  Take one of those bananas that you so ostentatiously display in the back pocket of your spandex shirt and shove it up your ass.  It’s about time that one of you were charged with a serious crime for your self-centered asshattery.

Now scoot the fuck over before you taste some truck side-mirror, asshole.  You’re making me late for work.

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11 Responses to “Silent But Deadly: The Urban Bikefag Menace”

  1. Radish™ (@radishthegreat) June 18, 2012 at 8:29 am #

    “What they NEVER talk about, or even acknowledge, is that they also have the same RESPONSIBILITIES as any other vehicle operator. ”

    Shit, I wish they had the same responsibilities as vehicle operators. I’ll “share the road” when they pay an annual registration tax and carry a license that demonstrates they’ve passed a written and skills test. But I still won’t feel bad if I run one down after he blows through the stop sign when I have the right of way (I worry about little kids on bikes, because they’re wobbly and unpredictable, but they at least they *try*).

  2. pepelp2 June 18, 2012 at 9:23 am #

    I’m always amazed at how cocky these guys are. They may have the right of way, but I outweigh them by several thousand pounds. Seriously, I’m surprised that more of them aren’t swatted off the road. Several years ago, a guy was shooting them with a pellet gun in Albuquerque.

  3. Krebs v Carnot June 18, 2012 at 10:08 am #

    In the world of E = (1/2)*m*v^2, it’s not my “v” that’s going to lay you out, Monsieur Peloton, it’s my superior “m”. Try to keep that in mind, will you?

  4. red sweater June 18, 2012 at 10:53 am #

    “The manslaughter charges — unusually stiff for a bicycle accident…”

    Entirely appropriate. Violate the rules of the road, face the same charges. You are not special.

  5. RightWingProf June 18, 2012 at 1:07 pm #

    I cycle – a lot (up to 50 miles on a typical day). I can’t understand why these guys that think a 22 lb bike is a match for a several-ton vehicle. Sure – I ride on the roads. But I keep as far to the side as feasible, and don;t blow through intersections at the last second. But then, I’m a grown-up, and understand consequences.

  6. Kansas Gman June 18, 2012 at 9:12 pm #

    How hilarious and true, Jeff.

  7. Blue Hen June 18, 2012 at 11:08 pm #

    When I worked in Manhattan many moons ago with an armored car company, bike messengers were worse than pigeons. Some damn Kevin Bacon movie had made it trendy. They would hit people and knocked over old people and thought themselves clever. Funny how diamond plate covered armored car doors failed to appreciate their magnificence.

  8. soulpile June 19, 2012 at 3:31 am #

    Goodness, I can’t stand the bikers in my town. Except the ones who move over when you’re coming. Those guys are ok. But most? Jackasses in spandex.

  9. Gaguaman June 19, 2012 at 7:00 am #

    Somebody had to say it and you’ve said it so well. The new word is going into my special vocabulary used only in the presence of people who are not afraid of the truth and won’t turn non-PC phraseology against you.

  10. Dave23 January 16, 2013 at 8:27 pm #

    Spot on, me, I’d much rather be stuck behind the line of cars in front of me if all the guys on bikes were to drive instead.

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  1. Monday Morning News and Links | Darth Chipmunk - June 18, 2012

    […] Empire of Jeff: Silent But Deadly: The Urban Bikefag Menace […]

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