Your Monkey Boy Has Returned

16 Jun

I apologize for the long absence.  This past week has seen me entirely absorbed in the ongoing turmoil at work.  Tasked (very late) with analyzing and reversing the spiraling downtrend of an underperforming division, we’ve lost one ten-year client this week and have been put on notice by another long-time client.  Both of the managers in this division are twenty-year company men, so my work environment as of late has been a gladiatorial combat arena of backbiting, recriminations, feather-smoothing, blame shifting, finger pointing, denials, obfuscations, veiled threats and emotional beatings.

So, like… pretty good but just busier than normal.

But no matter how bad your job seems at times, it could always be worse.

For all its planes and vans mapping out the world, there have been places even Google cannot reach.

Now thanks to its latest weapon, the internet giant will be able to chart everywhere from the depths of the jungle to the narrowest city alley.

Its backpack camera, which is carried by a trekker on foot, will be able to get to places that Google wings and wheels cannot.

The device, a more portable version of its controversial Street View cameras, is able to go ‘offroad’, potentially photographing and mapping everywhere from the base of the Grand Canyon to the top of Everest.

Yay.  These assholes aren’t intrusive enough with their car-mounted perv-cameras and packet-sniffing Espionage Mobiles.  Let’s see what “portable” looks like, shall we?


You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.


Awesome.  On a side note, did you ever imagine that this would be the face of Big Brother?  Or that your first reaction to seeing someone wearing this rig wouldn’t be fear, dread or despair but rather the urge to issue swirlies, wedgies and Purple Nerples?

And sure, the fucking geekwads tasked with lugging this ungainly Dildo Pack are going to have the muscular strength and endurance to lug the fucking thing up and down the Grand Canyon.  Right.  The real answer is that the view from the street isn’t explicit enough, so expect to see this thing through the slit in your curtains, watching you shamefully fap to your collection of Japanese anime.


That’s right, Sailor Moon. Daddy’s got some tentacle for you.


I expect next week to be even more fun, but I do believe I can manage to sneak in a few posts.  Happy Father’s Day to all you Morons out there who have kids.  I am looking forward to grilling some animal flesh and sleeping off my meat hangover in the shade.




5 Responses to “Your Monkey Boy Has Returned”

  1. Kansas Gman June 16, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

    Time to hire some co-bloggers.

  2. Ghost June 16, 2012 at 8:52 pm #

    After reading 1984, I thought, the only way they’d be able to get all those people under surveillance is with willing compliance.

    Did you see that Samsung has developed the Telescreen? A tv that watches you! No time to save, charge that shit! I need one, and I need it now! And then you read about Project Stellar Wind (going fully operational in sept of ’13), and you realize, fuck, they got us.

    I might not have anything to hide, but I’ve got a few things I’d be hard pressed to explain. The more I learn about what the govt is doing, the more of an anarchist I become.

  3. logprof June 16, 2012 at 8:56 pm #

    Way she goes.

    Fuckin’ way she goes.

  4. Alaskan Warthog June 18, 2012 at 2:03 am #

    This is the brave new world? Really? I mean not only have I still not gotten my jetpack, and women are STILL not going around in thigh boots and spandex…now our new robotic overlords have to be carried around on the backs of chicks! If we’re dominated by these pussies, we deserve it.


  1. Google Glasses: Because The Douchebag Hipster Look Wasn’t Getting You Enough Asskickings | The Empire of Jeff Newsletter - March 12, 2013

    […] with anyone, though.  That would Be Evil.  Is anyone else a little concerned or annoyed that Google needs to pry into every crevice and orifice on the surface of the planet?  Apparently, I’m not the only […]

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