Archive | May, 2012

The Smell Of Fear

10 May

By now, you’ve all heard that President Barack Obama supports gay marriage.  Fine and dandy, lots of people do.  People that are homos, but still, not exactly earth-shattering, especially for a libtard.  After all, Gay is In Fashion.  Queer Eye for The Straight Guy.  Glee.  Grey’s Anatomy.

But the big question I had is – why now?  First, Simple Joe, apropos of nothing, says he supports gay marriage.  Ok, but he’s just as likely to come out in support of oranges, electricity and HUGS MEAN LOVE!  YAAAAYYYY!  Easy enough to dismiss as “Joe being Joe,” as Obama is wont to say every time Biden splashes his brain shittings all over the news.

But then, one of his Cabinet members comes out in favor of it the next day.  Then Obama schedules a hasty interview to get out in front of this thing.  He’s worried about the myriads of gay staffers, parents of his childrens’ friends and military members who deserve the right to have their love recognized.


But you already knew that.  So why is it so important to launch a social issue offensive, and why on this issue?  Excite the liberal base?  Court the gays and their Hollywood connections for money?  It’s certainly possible.  Obama is having a $40,000 per person fundraiser at George Clooney’s house that is expected to raise $15 million dollars.  Mostly from average shlubs that are donating much less just for a chance to touch the hem of Barry’s garment.  Hell, I’d love to go just to take pictures of Mooch standing next to Stacy Keibler.

So why else?  I have a few suggestions.  Desperation would be my first guess.  This Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure™ wants this election to be about anything but what it’s going to be:  a referendum on his piss-poor leadership of this country.  Record deficits.  Record national debt.  Record unemployment.  Fast and Furious.  Record casualties in Afghanistan. The GM bailout.  His failure to close Gitmo. Gutting our military.  As soon as this election turns into a recap of the last three years, it’s over.

Piss-poor advice would be my second guess.  Whoever is counseling Obama to get the focus off his record is on the right track, but the unintended side effects could be enough to sink his reelection chances.  For every liberal who’s clapping their unwashed dickbeaters in glee at the prospect of a smorgasboard of new stoolpusher wedding reality shows, there are at least two Democrats with another reason to stay home on election day, and another three Republicans and/or Independents that are so turned off by this disgusting display that they will show up just to punish him on Election Day.

I am going long on popcorn futures as it is obvious that this was a calulated move.  But Team Stumblefuck should check their math.  Because this could be the Mother of All Miscalculations.




CHOCKIT ICE CWEAM! Simple Joe Paws Open The Catch On His Retard Helmet Again

8 May

Vice President Tom Cullen Joe Biden is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Only, he keeps giving the SAME gift, over and over.

Hope you like Stupid.

When we took office, let me remind you, there was virtually no international pressure on Iran,” Biden continued. “We were the problem, we were diplomatically isolated in the world, in the region, in Europe. We were neither fully respected by our friends nor feared by our opponents. Today it is starkly, starkly different.”

Was this slackjaw shoveling fistfuls of lead paint chips into his idiotic maw the entire first decade of the millenium? WE MURDERED IRAN’S NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR AND BURNED DOWN HIS HOUSE, DUMMY. And we did it with a tiny force. From one direction. I’m pretty sure they were shitting those long, dirty nightshirts they like to wear.  And we had dozens of nations lending us both logistical and combat support.  Oh, that’s right.  Now I remember.  It wasn’t the right nations, meaning France, which has been more of an acquaintance since – oh, our Revolutionary War.  Acquaintances tell you “I’m not sure if the Home Owners Association bylaws permit that.”  Friends lend you soldiers to help you kick open doors and fuck shit up.


One. Heartbeat. Away.
Sweet Dreams, America!

Biden also said Iran is not monolithic and bet that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be out of power within two years.

Seriously, lackwit? The only way Ahmadinejad is out of power is if he’s dead and right now his only health risk is severe dehydration from the multiple blowjobs your boss keeps giving him.  It is unbelievable that Obama lets this dumbshit run loose.  I keep expecting to see Joe’s eyes go wide as he claps a hand to his neck and pulls loose the tranquilizer dart that seemingly sprouted from his flesh, then stares uncomprehendingly at the metal bug that BIT ME! and a team of Secret Service agents bundles his limp body into a pie wagon.

Not that I mind, you understand.  I’m just saying that maybe you should get someone handy with tools to fix the gate on Joe’s retard enclosure.  If that’s even the problem.  Fuck, take a walk around his pen – did he dig out?  I don’t think he’s helping your cause.

Liberty Under Assault: Losing The Rights To Our Bodies

7 May

I mean, seriously.

Is EVERYTHING a crime these days?

In Egypt, dude would have had a 6-hour pass to tap that ass.

Toledo police have arrested a 57-year-old Michigan man and charged him with abuse of a corpse for allegedly “fondling” a woman’s body at a west-side funeral home.

Charges against Lawrence J. Clement, of 2411 Sunnydale Dr., Temperance, were filed just after 9:30 a.m. Thursday.

He was arrested at about 1 p.m. in West Toledo, according to a news release from Toledo police. Police say that he had “sexual contact by means of touching erogenous zones” of Brenda Shular-Cameron, 51.

I have an objection to the use of the adjective “erogenous.”  Was the deceased in danger of becoming aroused?  We don’t know, but we can safely assume she was asking for it.  Have you seen the way they tart these dead gals up? And what about the reputation of the funeral home – isn’t anyone worried about the potential economic consequences to small business owners?  After all, can they be held responsible for the actions of a rogue employee?

H.H. Birkenkamp, in Toledo for 150 years, has had problems in the past.

In 1988, two former employees, John Gardner and Ronald Allen Yeager, were found guilty in court of abusing a corpse.

Yeah, well… still.  Two corpse-fuckings in 150 years is a pretty good record of compliance, even if one of them was apparently a threesome.  I think that only counts as one incident, technically.

My question is, why do Democrats insist on intruding in the bedroom mortuary?  I thought Republicans were supposed to be the prudes.  Apparently not.

The Taste of Asshole

6 May

Last night I purchased the Kindle version of Barack Obama’s Dreams From My Father:  A Story of Race and Inheritance,” figuring that it was safer not to have a paper copy around begging to be defaced, dismembered, pissed on or burned.  Also, the Kindle version is electronically searchable.  It’s much easier to go directly to every instance of the word “white” than it is to just read the thing in its entirety and take notes.  This isn’t going to be an extensive review, yet – just an overall survey of what this book is about.

And what this book about is young Barry hating him some Whitey.

It doesn’t matter if you read the book front to back or just skip around like I have, at first.  No matter what section I skip to, I just cannot get the taste of asshole out of my mouth.  It’s amazing what a lack of introspection this shitbag has.  There are many passages in which he not only obviously lies to puff himself up into some type of tough black guy, but comes off just looking foolish, as in this bit where Our Zero is 21 years old and living in NYC on that “unnamed, shifting border between East Harlem and the rest of Manhattan,” where he “enjoyed exchanging Spanish pleasantries with [his] mostly Puerto Rican neighbors”, only to have his tranquility of his idyllic multiracial paradise threatened by the depredations of the White Interloper:

When the weather was good, my roommate and I might sit out on the fire escape to smoke cigarettes and study the dusk washing blue over the city, or watch white people from the better neighborhoods nearby walk their dogs down our block to let the animals shit on our curbs–“Scoop the poop, you bastards!” my roommate would shout with impressive rage, and we’d laugh at the faces of both master and beast, grim and unapologetic as they hunkered down to do the deed.

No you didn’t, motherfucker.  No you didn’t.

In  what universe do white people purposely walk their dogs into black and Puerto Rican shithole neighborhoods to deliberately provoke the residents by having their dogs shit in front of dangerous Nubian warriors like Barry?  And then meekly submit to the humiliation of being forced to meekly pick up dog shit by a…  Negro?!

So on one hand, The Man is purposely provocative – “Fuck you, porch-monkey!  I literally shit on you!”  And then in the next sentence, he’s been laid low by the Scary Black Man.  These kinds of adolescent revenge fantasies are rampant throughout the book.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is one scared, powerless-feeling motherfucker who lashes out with his Bill Ayers’ pen behind the backs of those he thinks have slighted him on account of his race.  And he thinks EVERYONE is slighting him because of his race.


More on this, later.  I’m off to see the Avengers movie.

Okay, It’s Like This…

3 May
  • I promised the fuckin’ degenerates at Ace of Spades HQ that I would post tonight. And boy-fucking-howdy did I have a good one for you needy bastards.

I was primed.

I was ready.

I had gone to my twins’ T-ball practice, played catch with my oldest daughter, played Bakugan with The Heir, cooked dinner, cleaned dishes and read the bedtime stories – in other words, I had done Everything A Man Can Do to square away his family before sitting down to some quality blogging.

And then my wife Initiated The Launch Sequence.

What I had forgotten is that nothing turns her on more than watching me be the man of the house. Now, that may help me, but it doesn’t help you grubby troglodytes who only want to be entertained. Sorry about that.

So, this post is going to be sort of a Coming Attractions for what I have in store for you. Expectations seem to be high.  Predictably, standards remain low.  Some of you appreciate my instinctual, incisive grasp of the human condition. Many of you seem to like me most when I’m pissed off and/or drunk.

You are in luck.

This is an election year, so buckle your retard helmet – it WILL get fucking ugly in here. But there won’t be just bitching on tap – oh, NO! We are going to explore all the ways you can actively impact the presidential election – Empire of Jeff style. Practical techniques such as:

  • Targeted giving – are you getting the most bang for your political donation? Tha E-O-Jizzle is going to show you how to get your voice heard. And that does NOT mean tossing 20 quid at the RNC.  Tell you what, for half the price, I’ll email you a fucking slap that you can print out and apply to your own cheek, dummy.
  • Leveraging social media to influence the debate, which is a fancy word to describe how I optimize my online fuckery to demoralize my enemies and suppress the votes of Independents, who are complete fucking idiots waiting for someone to tell them what to do. I’ll show you how to be that Someone.
  • Opposition Research. Don’t you find it odd that after four years we are just finding out things about President Obama THAT HE FUCKING WROTE ABOUT HIMSELF years ago?  It’s time someone shone the light on this fucking cockroach.  He Bill Ayers already did the work, so it’s time someone gathered a compendium of Barry O’Stumblefuck’s Greatest Hits.

Yes.  I am going to download and review a copy of this asshole’s “memoirs” and post the money quotes, straight from the horse’s ass.  Ever notice how NOBODY wants to read this motherfucker’s book – not even his fans?   That’s how much the human psyche subconsciously recoils from the stuttering clusterfuckedness that is Barack Obama.  Amazingly enough, not even our side dug deep into Dicksmoke’s biographies.  Until now.

That’s the Empire of Jeff Difference.

I’ll be back tomorrow, if I can keep this gal from stealing my precious bodily fluids.


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