Archive | May, 2012

Chicken Grease Makes A Handy Lubricant: The Empire of Jeff Book Review

17 May

Last weekend, it came to my attention that one of the mom cliques at my Master Race’s school have been passing around a book that they are all just crazy for.  I love to read, but not just anything.  Chick-lit?  Fuckin’ PASS.  Sparkly vampires?  Sure.  While I’m at it, why don’t I just start making out with dudes?  But as it turns out, it’s neither of those.  It’s erotica.

Perhaps you’ve heard of it.  It’s called Fifty Shades of Grey, by E L James.  And apparently, it’s a New York Times bestseller – the movie rights have already been sold.  “Mommy porn,” it’s dubbed.  Okay, then, we might be on to something of interest here:  suburban housewives furtively passing around a tattered, dog eared copy of racy, hot, sweaty monkey-sex fap fuel, written by another housewife, a British one!  That has possibilites, right?  We could be talking Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.  So let’s take a look at the plot.

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

Seriously, bitch?  Seriously?  Somebody already wrote this fucking book and they already made the goddamn movie.  It was called 9 1/2 weeks, you unoriginal dipshit.  You even ripped off the name of the man in the original, John Grey, the wealthy and mysterious Wall Street arbitrageur.  And from what I can see, young Kim Basinger does not appear in this story, clothed OR unclothed.  Goddamnit, who is responsible for this?!

It Moved. Back into my body cavity.

This isn’t even Stephanie Meyer.  This is someone who wishes she was Stephanie Meyer, so much so that this book didn’t first start as a ripoff of 9 1/2 Weeks, it started off as Twilight-based erotic fan fiction. This lovely gal was laying in bed, eating chicken wings and flicking her bean with greasy fingers, thinking that the only thing that could make Twilight better is if Edward and Bella did some BDSM.  You let that image burn in real good, kids, because that was the beginnings of this woman’s multi-million dollar fortune.

But maybe I’m being unfair.  Maybe it’s not an original idea, but maybe it’s an improvement.  Maybe her characters are richly drawn.  Maybe the dialogue is witty.  Maybe her insight into men’s and women’s sexual desires come together in a steamy synthesis of erotic titillation. Maybe it’ll help spice up someone’s marriage.  Maybe this is a situation where big things happen to little people and prove to all of us that true literary talent resides in sometimes the humblest of us.  And maybe sometimes the universe gets it right and rewards that talent, bypassing the elitist gatekeepers of the publishing world.  Maybe I should just give it a chance.

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”

My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak.

“Kinky fuckery.”

“I can’t believe you said that.’

“Well, I did. Answer me,” he says calmly.

I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.   “I like your kinky fuckery,” I whisper.

Or maybe this is unbelievably stupid.  Get your cosmic justice on, Universe.


Crushing Liberal Hopes and Dreams With Online Fuckery. UPDATED

15 May

UPDATE:  I woke up early this morning with the uneasy feeling that I had gotten my facts about the Twitter reply system wrong. So I researched it and found out that I had.  Dang.  That section has been updated and rewritten for your education and amusement.  I’m okay with being stupid – I just don’t want to be wrong.

Many of you know me from the comments section at Ace of Spades HQ.  One of you is married to me.  And before you go feeling sorry for her, she could have done worse.

She could have married my brother.

Believe it or not, in my family, I’m know as “The Polite One.”  I might drive you away in tears of rage and  frustration, but my brother will drive you away, and then follow after you when you storm out of the room.  “Where the fuck are you going?  I’m not finished talking.”  There’s worse.  There’s always worse.

When you’re dealing with liberals online, I’m going to show you how to BE that “worse” and follow these smarmy little cocksuckers back to their e-hovels and shit in their Grape Nuts.  Because Fuck Them, That’s Why.

Many of you are already familiar with Twitter, the social networking tool that limits users to posts of 140 characters or less.  When I initially ran across it, I didn’t see the significance of such an apparently limited application.  And then I discovered what opportunity this wonderful microblogging media tool offered its users that no other platform in the history of technology ever had:  the ability to insult actor Mark Ruffalo to his face, in real time.

Seriously, the guy’s a fucking anti-fracking crusade Occutard and he totally ruined the character of Bruce Banner.  And after several interactions with this befuddled, speech impaired douche, which consisted of witty ripostes such as, “Oh, that’s real nice,” and “You’re wrong”  I began to wonder if Twitter could have a higher purpose.

And it does.

Twitter is one of the tools that will help conservatives affect the election by shaping the media narrative, informing a handful of undecideds, energizing the base to get out and vote for Romney, and suppressing the libtard vote by constantly slapping them across the face with the repeated failures of their limpdick Chicago Jesus.

For the WHY of Twitter’s significance to this election, see John Nolte’s piece at Big Journalism.  He’s done a fantastic job of outlining recent conservative media victories, even though he’s a scruffy looking bastard with a Cletus rape-stache.  Whatever.  You don’t have to send your daughter to prom with him, just read his article. Quit being so judgmental.

In the ensuing year, again and again, I’ve seen Twitter overwhelm the MSM and their protectors at Media Matters and those phony left-wing fact-checkers. Try as they might, whether it’s about Obama eating a dog, the hypocrisy of the War on Women, or the real facts behind the economic “recovery”; the media cannot ignore a conversation being had by millions upon millions of citizens. Most importantly, they can’t filter or control that conversation. If the media won’t tell the truth or point out the hypocrisies, we will — and the media not only can’t stand that, they’re also forced to grudgingly cover it or look completely out of step with what the “real news” is.

Here are some things you can do to create maximum havoc amongst the liberals.

Look for the next bullshit liberal meme.  How do you know it’s bullshit?  Easy.  They’re all bullshit.  Simply watch your timeline and wait for the debunking to begin.  For example – the story about Romney terrorizing the boy at his school.  The man’s family says it was bullshit, the guy who said he had “long been disturbed” by it turns out to have not been there or even HEARD of it until the reporter told him of the allegation –  the list goes on.

Go to these news stories that debunk the liberal meme du jour, copy the URL, and then tweet it to your favorite liberal asshole.  Say, sawed-off douchebag Bill Maher.  Most liklely, it will be ignored.  A more effective alternative is to wait for Maher to tweet something stupid and erroneous and then reply to his tweet.  It will not be a long wait.  For example, if I reply to one of this asshole’s general conservative-bashing rants with the heartbreaking news that Obama has been proven yet again to be a Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure™ to @BillMaher, complete with a URL to a news story outlining his latest flop, I know that syphilitic runt Bill Maher will see it.


Syphilitic runt Bill Maher is the only person who will see it, unless both he and I have followers that follow both of us.  What’s the good of a public humiliation if there’s no one around to see you stuff syphilitic runt Bill Maher into his e-locker?  How are your followers going to know that you’ve got a live one?

Rallying the Troops:  The answer is in fucking with Twitter’s reply system.  When Twitter first started, if you followed someone, you saw EVERYTHING they wrote, including replies to people, talking about shit you couldn’t care less about.  So, in 2009, Twitter changed their reply system so that it became a threaded conversation between the two parties and those tweets did not appear on your timeline to your followers.  It does that by automatically moving their Twitter handle to the beginning of your reply, so that when I hit the reply button, it starts with “@BillMaher” and then I start typing in my reply. 

By adding a period to the beginning of his handle – .@BillMaher –  then all of my followers are going to see it.  Now you’re getting your tweeps into the fight.  And will you get a reply?  Absolutely.  Their arrogance demands that they “put you in your place,” which results in them showing their ass even further.  Don’t go for the kill just yet.  If you play your cards right, they’ll either fuck up and move your Twitter handle to the end of their reply or put a period before your handle, so that all their followers can bask in their “brilliance.”  And what kind of audience will you have, then?  Syphilitic runt Bill Maher has 1,176,223 followers, as of this writing.  Are you smelling what The Rock is cooking? 

Get the info out there.  Most of their libtard followers will discount it.  But enough will be depressed by the constant, and FACTUAL reminders of Obama’s many failures that they will have no desire to get off their asses and vote on Election Day.

That’s just one simple tip – there will be more in the weeks to come.  Do your part, citizen.

Block The Vote√

Big Gay Barry: Live at The Manhole

14 May

Obama holds a fundraiser at the hot, moist, brown, wrinkly center of the queer universe:  Chelsea in NYC.  Opening act:  Ricky Martin.  I can only assume that Barry will enter the stage on a pink Vespa with a giant lavender dildo in his mouth.  Because in case you haven’t gotten the message yet, Obama is down with Teh Gheys.  So that’s going to be his new fundraising strategy – swallow his pride, and perhaps Ricky Martin’s Pride, and hit up the gay community for some quick cash.  I purposely left out the lesbians because they are notoriously tight-fisted.  Gay men have all the cash – that’s just a fact of life that I picked up on E!, so it’s not like I don’t source my shit.

But let’s explore the unintended consequences…

I have to admit, when I first saw this picture, I lost my normal grave demeanor and laughed my ass off. Guffawed. There was also some wheezing and perhaps a snort.

First of all, it’s just so… gay. A rainbow halo, combined with the pursed lips and faraway look, like he’s at a penis tasting and thinking of his notes, “Hmm… Salty and full-bodied.”


“With a nutty finish.”

Seriously, the only way he comes off gayer is if he’s wearing a black mesh tanktop while rubbing baby oil on John Travolta’s chest. With his balls.

But what I found to be most hilarious is that this cover was intended to be a compliment. Back in the 90’s, BJ Clinton was dubbed “America’s First Black President,” due to his popularity with Black America, for whom he did absolutely fuck-all.

And who’s going to feel insulted by that? According to my television, black men are cool; they’re hep, strong towers of athletic prowess.  Paragons of earthy street wisdom. Virile pillars of raw sexuality. Like Touré. Or Oliver Willis.

He’s like Kryptonite to Hot Pockets, you know.

So understand, Andrew Sullivan, faux “conservative” blogger and hyper-hysterical flaming homo drama queen , thought he was helping Obama. That’s what’s so damn funny – Lord Rainbowshanks can’t even denounce this as an attack! A) it’s coming from his own side, and 2) if there’s one demographic that’s even more sensitive to insults than blacks, it’s gays.

He’s painted himself into a Big Gay Corner and there isn’t enough lube for him to slide out of this tortured analogy.  He needs the cash, but he risks turning off the people who he needs to vote for him.  I expected him to go all in, but on race, not on homosexuality.

He’s stiffened his resolve, set his sights on the back pockets of Gay America, and he’s reached Ramming Speed.

Armando! More popcorn! And get the butter! For the popcorn, sure.

The Smell Of Fear

10 May

By now, you’ve all heard that President Barack Obama supports gay marriage.  Fine and dandy, lots of people do.  People that are homos, but still, not exactly earth-shattering, especially for a libtard.  After all, Gay is In Fashion.  Queer Eye for The Straight Guy.  Glee.  Grey’s Anatomy.

But the big question I had is – why now?  First, Simple Joe, apropos of nothing, says he supports gay marriage.  Ok, but he’s just as likely to come out in support of oranges, electricity and HUGS MEAN LOVE!  YAAAAYYYY!  Easy enough to dismiss as “Joe being Joe,” as Obama is wont to say every time Biden splashes his brain shittings all over the news.

But then, one of his Cabinet members comes out in favor of it the next day.  Then Obama schedules a hasty interview to get out in front of this thing.  He’s worried about the myriads of gay staffers, parents of his childrens’ friends and military members who deserve the right to have their love recognized.


But you already knew that.  So why is it so important to launch a social issue offensive, and why on this issue?  Excite the liberal base?  Court the gays and their Hollywood connections for money?  It’s certainly possible.  Obama is having a $40,000 per person fundraiser at George Clooney’s house that is expected to raise $15 million dollars.  Mostly from average shlubs that are donating much less just for a chance to touch the hem of Barry’s garment.  Hell, I’d love to go just to take pictures of Mooch standing next to Stacy Keibler.

So why else?  I have a few suggestions.  Desperation would be my first guess.  This Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure™ wants this election to be about anything but what it’s going to be:  a referendum on his piss-poor leadership of this country.  Record deficits.  Record national debt.  Record unemployment.  Fast and Furious.  Record casualties in Afghanistan. The GM bailout.  His failure to close Gitmo. Gutting our military.  As soon as this election turns into a recap of the last three years, it’s over.

Piss-poor advice would be my second guess.  Whoever is counseling Obama to get the focus off his record is on the right track, but the unintended side effects could be enough to sink his reelection chances.  For every liberal who’s clapping their unwashed dickbeaters in glee at the prospect of a smorgasboard of new stoolpusher wedding reality shows, there are at least two Democrats with another reason to stay home on election day, and another three Republicans and/or Independents that are so turned off by this disgusting display that they will show up just to punish him on Election Day.

I am going long on popcorn futures as it is obvious that this was a calulated move.  But Team Stumblefuck should check their math.  Because this could be the Mother of All Miscalculations.




CHOCKIT ICE CWEAM! Simple Joe Paws Open The Catch On His Retard Helmet Again

8 May

Vice President Tom Cullen Joe Biden is truly the gift that keeps on giving. Only, he keeps giving the SAME gift, over and over.

Hope you like Stupid.

When we took office, let me remind you, there was virtually no international pressure on Iran,” Biden continued. “We were the problem, we were diplomatically isolated in the world, in the region, in Europe. We were neither fully respected by our friends nor feared by our opponents. Today it is starkly, starkly different.”

Was this slackjaw shoveling fistfuls of lead paint chips into his idiotic maw the entire first decade of the millenium? WE MURDERED IRAN’S NEXT-DOOR NEIGHBOR AND BURNED DOWN HIS HOUSE, DUMMY. And we did it with a tiny force. From one direction. I’m pretty sure they were shitting those long, dirty nightshirts they like to wear.  And we had dozens of nations lending us both logistical and combat support.  Oh, that’s right.  Now I remember.  It wasn’t the right nations, meaning France, which has been more of an acquaintance since – oh, our Revolutionary War.  Acquaintances tell you “I’m not sure if the Home Owners Association bylaws permit that.”  Friends lend you soldiers to help you kick open doors and fuck shit up.


One. Heartbeat. Away.
Sweet Dreams, America!

Biden also said Iran is not monolithic and bet that President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would be out of power within two years.

Seriously, lackwit? The only way Ahmadinejad is out of power is if he’s dead and right now his only health risk is severe dehydration from the multiple blowjobs your boss keeps giving him.  It is unbelievable that Obama lets this dumbshit run loose.  I keep expecting to see Joe’s eyes go wide as he claps a hand to his neck and pulls loose the tranquilizer dart that seemingly sprouted from his flesh, then stares uncomprehendingly at the metal bug that BIT ME! and a team of Secret Service agents bundles his limp body into a pie wagon.

Not that I mind, you understand.  I’m just saying that maybe you should get someone handy with tools to fix the gate on Joe’s retard enclosure.  If that’s even the problem.  Fuck, take a walk around his pen – did he dig out?  I don’t think he’s helping your cause.

Liberty Under Assault: Losing The Rights To Our Bodies

7 May

I mean, seriously.

Is EVERYTHING a crime these days?

In Egypt, dude would have had a 6-hour pass to tap that ass.

Toledo police have arrested a 57-year-old Michigan man and charged him with abuse of a corpse for allegedly “fondling” a woman’s body at a west-side funeral home.

Charges against Lawrence J. Clement, of 2411 Sunnydale Dr., Temperance, were filed just after 9:30 a.m. Thursday.

He was arrested at about 1 p.m. in West Toledo, according to a news release from Toledo police. Police say that he had “sexual contact by means of touching erogenous zones” of Brenda Shular-Cameron, 51.

I have an objection to the use of the adjective “erogenous.”  Was the deceased in danger of becoming aroused?  We don’t know, but we can safely assume she was asking for it.  Have you seen the way they tart these dead gals up? And what about the reputation of the funeral home – isn’t anyone worried about the potential economic consequences to small business owners?  After all, can they be held responsible for the actions of a rogue employee?

H.H. Birkenkamp, in Toledo for 150 years, has had problems in the past.

In 1988, two former employees, John Gardner and Ronald Allen Yeager, were found guilty in court of abusing a corpse.

Yeah, well… still.  Two corpse-fuckings in 150 years is a pretty good record of compliance, even if one of them was apparently a threesome.  I think that only counts as one incident, technically.

My question is, why do Democrats insist on intruding in the bedroom mortuary?  I thought Republicans were supposed to be the prudes.  Apparently not.

The Taste of Asshole

6 May

Last night I purchased the Kindle version of Barack Obama’s Dreams From My Father:  A Story of Race and Inheritance,” figuring that it was safer not to have a paper copy around begging to be defaced, dismembered, pissed on or burned.  Also, the Kindle version is electronically searchable.  It’s much easier to go directly to every instance of the word “white” than it is to just read the thing in its entirety and take notes.  This isn’t going to be an extensive review, yet – just an overall survey of what this book is about.

And what this book about is young Barry hating him some Whitey.

It doesn’t matter if you read the book front to back or just skip around like I have, at first.  No matter what section I skip to, I just cannot get the taste of asshole out of my mouth.  It’s amazing what a lack of introspection this shitbag has.  There are many passages in which he not only obviously lies to puff himself up into some type of tough black guy, but comes off just looking foolish, as in this bit where Our Zero is 21 years old and living in NYC on that “unnamed, shifting border between East Harlem and the rest of Manhattan,” where he “enjoyed exchanging Spanish pleasantries with [his] mostly Puerto Rican neighbors”, only to have his tranquility of his idyllic multiracial paradise threatened by the depredations of the White Interloper:

When the weather was good, my roommate and I might sit out on the fire escape to smoke cigarettes and study the dusk washing blue over the city, or watch white people from the better neighborhoods nearby walk their dogs down our block to let the animals shit on our curbs–“Scoop the poop, you bastards!” my roommate would shout with impressive rage, and we’d laugh at the faces of both master and beast, grim and unapologetic as they hunkered down to do the deed.

No you didn’t, motherfucker.  No you didn’t.

In  what universe do white people purposely walk their dogs into black and Puerto Rican shithole neighborhoods to deliberately provoke the residents by having their dogs shit in front of dangerous Nubian warriors like Barry?  And then meekly submit to the humiliation of being forced to meekly pick up dog shit by a…  Negro?!

So on one hand, The Man is purposely provocative – “Fuck you, porch-monkey!  I literally shit on you!”  And then in the next sentence, he’s been laid low by the Scary Black Man.  These kinds of adolescent revenge fantasies are rampant throughout the book.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is one scared, powerless-feeling motherfucker who lashes out with his Bill Ayers’ pen behind the backs of those he thinks have slighted him on account of his race.  And he thinks EVERYONE is slighting him because of his race.


More on this, later.  I’m off to see the Avengers movie.

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