The Naked Lunch

29 May

Some days you look at the news and think you’re not giving me anything to work with, people.

And then some days, a crazy naked bastard will eat another unlucky naked bastard’s face off on a freeway ramp, growl at the police when ordered to “HOLY FUCK STOP EATING HIS FACE WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS!” before returning to his snack and eventually getting shot dead.

That is possibly the most awesome sentence I have ever constructed.

Ronald Poppo, a Miami homeless man, has been identified as the victim in a horrific face-chewing attack.

But as you can see, it’s not the most awesome sentence that anyone has ever constructed.  Damn.

Forget it, Jeff. It’s M-town.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow but somebody’s going to have to step up to the fucking plate to get weirder than this.

A police officer shot and killed Poppo’s attacker, 31-year-old Rudy Eugene, as he chewed Poppo’s face in the shadow of The Miami Herald’s headquarters. Both men were naked at the time of the attack, the Herald reported.

You had me at “face-chewing attack,” Eugene.  But you really took it to the next level with naked face chewing attack, complete with the Bela Lugosi look-over-your-shoulder-and-growl, then a beat, then start face-chewing again.  That’s a scene-stealer.  But stripping your hobo victim naked before you eat his face – that’s just hamming it up.  Oh, well, they say that bullets are the only critics that count, and I counted off eight of them that the po-po popped into your crazy ass.  Final curtain, psycho.

Hat tip to John in this morning’s Operations Meeting, but everyone is going to assume that Ace should get a link, because he posted about it today, and I’ll look like the dick if I don’t.  But think about it – does Ace ever return my phone calls, or say thank you for the mix tape I made him, or offer to drop the stalking charges, or comment on how nice the collage of Glenn Reynolds with his eyes scratched out I sent him looks? Why does that make me the dick?  Why do I always have to be the one to say I’m sorry in this relationship?



12 Responses to “The Naked Lunch”

  1. Kansas Gman May 29, 2012 at 9:58 pm #

    The Dude was just taking his talents to South Beach.

  2. empireofjeff May 29, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    They say that all that’s left of the victim’s face is his goatee. If I were him, I’d comb it over or something. Maybe it’s a mercy that his eyes are gone – at least he won’t have to see what that crazy fucker did to him.

  3. Stu-22 May 29, 2012 at 11:51 pm #

    I was mostly just surprised to find that George Michael was NOT involved in the drug-fueled naked cannibal guy freakout. This time.

  4. Kansas Gman May 30, 2012 at 1:57 am #

    I can’t believe that Ace hasn’t put you on his Blogroll. What’s up with that?

  5. Mark formerly in Spokane,now in Sandy Ut May 30, 2012 at 8:57 am #

    I second Kansas.

  6. pissoir dubuque May 30, 2012 at 10:18 am #

    yeah. that’s why i read the empire of jeff newsletter.

  7. You and me both, EoJ. What’s worse is when we drop something magnificent in the comments, and then he posts the same story with a hat-tip to someone else.

  8. rocker124 May 30, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

    EoJ, is this anything?? since I can’t post links at Ace, I am asking you here. Thanks

  9. empireofjeff May 30, 2012 at 7:47 pm #

    Not sure if it’s anything, rocker – have not read anything about it, yet.

    Gman, Mark, Allen – thanks, but “meh.”

    A.) I’m not a linkwhore – I’m not trying to make this a “thing”, just trying to amuse myself and you fine people on a loose-ass schedule. Keep networking, Allen. You’ll build a large readership eventually.

    B.) Have you seen all the dead links on AoSHQ’s blogroll? Ace’s blogroll is where blogs go to die, apparently.

    C.) “pissoir dubuque” is one funny fucking name.

  10. pissoir dubuque May 30, 2012 at 7:52 pm #

    thank you. i try.

  11. Max Overdrive June 10, 2012 at 11:59 pm #

    Does any one else think that this could be patient zero of the coming zombie apocalypse?


  1. He Could Always Tell His Wife The Bath Salts Made Him Do It « The Empire of Jeff Newsletter - July 26, 2012

    […] After all, it has a history of causing you to get naked and eat people. […]

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