Chicken Grease Makes A Handy Lubricant: The Empire of Jeff Book Review

17 May

Last weekend, it came to my attention that one of the mom cliques at my Master Race’s school have been passing around a book that they are all just crazy for.  I love to read, but not just anything.  Chick-lit?  Fuckin’ PASS.  Sparkly vampires?  Sure.  While I’m at it, why don’t I just start making out with dudes?  But as it turns out, it’s neither of those.  It’s erotica.

Perhaps you’ve heard of it.  It’s called Fifty Shades of Grey, by E L James.  And apparently, it’s a New York Times bestseller – the movie rights have already been sold.  “Mommy porn,” it’s dubbed.  Okay, then, we might be on to something of interest here:  suburban housewives furtively passing around a tattered, dog eared copy of racy, hot, sweaty monkey-sex fap fuel, written by another housewife, a British one!  That has possibilites, right?  We could be talking Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.  So let’s take a look at the plot.

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

Seriously, bitch?  Seriously?  Somebody already wrote this fucking book and they already made the goddamn movie.  It was called 9 1/2 weeks, you unoriginal dipshit.  You even ripped off the name of the man in the original, John Grey, the wealthy and mysterious Wall Street arbitrageur.  And from what I can see, young Kim Basinger does not appear in this story, clothed OR unclothed.  Goddamnit, who is responsible for this?!

It Moved. Back into my body cavity.

This isn’t even Stephanie Meyer.  This is someone who wishes she was Stephanie Meyer, so much so that this book didn’t first start as a ripoff of 9 1/2 Weeks, it started off as Twilight-based erotic fan fiction. This lovely gal was laying in bed, eating chicken wings and flicking her bean with greasy fingers, thinking that the only thing that could make Twilight better is if Edward and Bella did some BDSM.  You let that image burn in real good, kids, because that was the beginnings of this woman’s multi-million dollar fortune.

But maybe I’m being unfair.  Maybe it’s not an original idea, but maybe it’s an improvement.  Maybe her characters are richly drawn.  Maybe the dialogue is witty.  Maybe her insight into men’s and women’s sexual desires come together in a steamy synthesis of erotic titillation. Maybe it’ll help spice up someone’s marriage.  Maybe this is a situation where big things happen to little people and prove to all of us that true literary talent resides in sometimes the humblest of us.  And maybe sometimes the universe gets it right and rewards that talent, bypassing the elitist gatekeepers of the publishing world.  Maybe I should just give it a chance.

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”

My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak.

“Kinky fuckery.”

“I can’t believe you said that.’

“Well, I did. Answer me,” he says calmly.

I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.   “I like your kinky fuckery,” I whisper.

Or maybe this is unbelievably stupid.  Get your cosmic justice on, Universe.

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6 Responses to “Chicken Grease Makes A Handy Lubricant: The Empire of Jeff Book Review”

  1. pissoir dubuque May 18, 2012 at 7:53 am #

    never read any “women’s erotica” that was worth a shit. it’s like women playing rock ‘n roll. sorry. no offense, but sorry.

  2. Krebs v Carnot May 19, 2012 at 5:49 am #

    “‘Kinky fuckery?’ I squeak.”

    I’m just winging it here, but I’m willing to bet this is the closest this “erotica” got to using the phrase “dorked in the squeakhole”.

  3. moerawn May 20, 2012 at 10:10 am #

    My wife has exactly ONE attractive friend. She raved about this book. So that’s something, I guess.

  4. Ima Wurdibitsch May 20, 2012 at 8:20 pm #

    I’d heard all of the hype. I’m a kinky gal. I like to read. I finally finished school (received my degree last weekend). I wanted to read something light with no redeeming intellectual qualities. So, I picked up this book. I liked it. A lot. No, it’s not Atlas Shrugged or War and Peace but it’s a nice, light read. It’s also fairly hot. I cared about the characters when I was finished and plan on picking up the next two books in the series. It’s also pretty damned funny in places. I actually, literally not figuratively, laughed out loud in places.

  5. Kansas Gman May 21, 2012 at 12:54 am #

    Eight posts in seventeen days doesn’t really qualify as an “empire.” I’d say this volume of content is more along the lines of “Home Owner’s Association.”

  6. empireofjeff May 21, 2012 at 12:32 pm #

    That reminds me – cut your fucking grass or we’ll be slapping a lien on your house, jerkoff.

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