Big Gay Barry: Live at The Manhole

14 May

Obama holds a fundraiser at the hot, moist, brown, wrinkly center of the queer universe:  Chelsea in NYC.  Opening act:  Ricky Martin.  I can only assume that Barry will enter the stage on a pink Vespa with a giant lavender dildo in his mouth.  Because in case you haven’t gotten the message yet, Obama is down with Teh Gheys.  So that’s going to be his new fundraising strategy – swallow his pride, and perhaps Ricky Martin’s Pride, and hit up the gay community for some quick cash.  I purposely left out the lesbians because they are notoriously tight-fisted.  Gay men have all the cash – that’s just a fact of life that I picked up on E!, so it’s not like I don’t source my shit.

But let’s explore the unintended consequences…

I have to admit, when I first saw this picture, I lost my normal grave demeanor and laughed my ass off. Guffawed. There was also some wheezing and perhaps a snort.

First of all, it’s just so… gay. A rainbow halo, combined with the pursed lips and faraway look, like he’s at a penis tasting and thinking of his notes, “Hmm… Salty and full-bodied.”


“With a nutty finish.”

Seriously, the only way he comes off gayer is if he’s wearing a black mesh tanktop while rubbing baby oil on John Travolta’s chest. With his balls.

But what I found to be most hilarious is that this cover was intended to be a compliment. Back in the 90’s, BJ Clinton was dubbed “America’s First Black President,” due to his popularity with Black America, for whom he did absolutely fuck-all.

And who’s going to feel insulted by that? According to my television, black men are cool; they’re hep, strong towers of athletic prowess.  Paragons of earthy street wisdom. Virile pillars of raw sexuality. Like Touré. Or Oliver Willis.

He’s like Kryptonite to Hot Pockets, you know.

So understand, Andrew Sullivan, faux “conservative” blogger and hyper-hysterical flaming homo drama queen , thought he was helping Obama. That’s what’s so damn funny – Lord Rainbowshanks can’t even denounce this as an attack! A) it’s coming from his own side, and 2) if there’s one demographic that’s even more sensitive to insults than blacks, it’s gays.

He’s painted himself into a Big Gay Corner and there isn’t enough lube for him to slide out of this tortured analogy.  He needs the cash, but he risks turning off the people who he needs to vote for him.  I expected him to go all in, but on race, not on homosexuality.

He’s stiffened his resolve, set his sights on the back pockets of Gay America, and he’s reached Ramming Speed.

Armando! More popcorn! And get the butter! For the popcorn, sure.

10 Responses to “Big Gay Barry: Live at The Manhole”

  1. museisluse May 14, 2012 at 8:02 pm #

    Hilarious, but I think you may be a little too subtle.

  2. dananjcon May 14, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    Whoa….thats alotta double on-ton-dray…LMFAO. Tammy Bruce put it perfectly regarding Barry’s evolution, “gay for pay”

  3. empireofjeff May 14, 2012 at 8:41 pm #

    You people don’t understand nuance.

  4. dananjcon May 14, 2012 at 9:03 pm #

    Jeff, i need some special EOJ zingers for a particular nasty little fuck wit on twitter. I’ve exhausted all the usual bromides.

  5. empireofjeff May 14, 2012 at 10:15 pm #

    Sorry. Probably too late to help, now.

  6. Hedgehog May 15, 2012 at 10:24 am #

    “Like he’s at a penis tasting…” Dude where do you come up with this shit? LMAO

  7. w3bgrrl May 15, 2012 at 3:26 pm #

    Funny. When I saw the cover I thought to myself, “Karl Rove, you magnificent bastard!”

  8. gmmay70 May 15, 2012 at 3:33 pm #

    Funniest dude on the net. Someone really needs to put together an EoJ insult generator.

    – Burn the Witch

  9. JewishOdysseus May 18, 2012 at 12:20 am #

    That description of the Newsweak cover was indeed inspired, hats off, amigo!

  10. DaveinNC June 4, 2012 at 5:02 pm #

    “He’s stiffened his resolve, set his sights on the back pockets of Gay America, and he’s reached Ramming Speed”.

    You know, carbonated drinks kinda burn when snorted through the nose.

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