Okay, It’s Like This…

3 May
  • I promised the fuckin’ degenerates at Ace of Spades HQ that I would post tonight. And boy-fucking-howdy did I have a good one for you needy bastards.

I was primed.

I was ready.

I had gone to my twins’ T-ball practice, played catch with my oldest daughter, played Bakugan with The Heir, cooked dinner, cleaned dishes and read the bedtime stories – in other words, I had done Everything A Man Can Do to square away his family before sitting down to some quality blogging.

And then my wife Initiated The Launch Sequence.

What I had forgotten is that nothing turns her on more than watching me be the man of the house. Now, that may help me, but it doesn’t help you grubby troglodytes who only want to be entertained. Sorry about that.

So, this post is going to be sort of a Coming Attractions for what I have in store for you. Expectations seem to be high.  Predictably, standards remain low.  Some of you appreciate my instinctual, incisive grasp of the human condition. Many of you seem to like me most when I’m pissed off and/or drunk.

You are in luck.

This is an election year, so buckle your retard helmet – it WILL get fucking ugly in here. But there won’t be just bitching on tap – oh, NO! We are going to explore all the ways you can actively impact the presidential election – Empire of Jeff style. Practical techniques such as:

  • Targeted giving – are you getting the most bang for your political donation? Tha E-O-Jizzle is going to show you how to get your voice heard. And that does NOT mean tossing 20 quid at the RNC.  Tell you what, for half the price, I’ll email you a fucking slap that you can print out and apply to your own cheek, dummy.
  • Leveraging social media to influence the debate, which is a fancy word to describe how I optimize my online fuckery to demoralize my enemies and suppress the votes of Independents, who are complete fucking idiots waiting for someone to tell them what to do. I’ll show you how to be that Someone.
  • Opposition Research. Don’t you find it odd that after four years we are just finding out things about President Obama THAT HE FUCKING WROTE ABOUT HIMSELF years ago?  It’s time someone shone the light on this fucking cockroach.  He Bill Ayers already did the work, so it’s time someone gathered a compendium of Barry O’Stumblefuck’s Greatest Hits.

Yes.  I am going to download and review a copy of this asshole’s “memoirs” and post the money quotes, straight from the horse’s ass.  Ever notice how NOBODY wants to read this motherfucker’s book – not even his fans?   That’s how much the human psyche subconsciously recoils from the stuttering clusterfuckedness that is Barack Obama.  Amazingly enough, not even our side dug deep into Dicksmoke’s biographies.  Until now.

That’s the Empire of Jeff Difference.

I’ll be back tomorrow, if I can keep this gal from stealing my precious bodily fluids.

Welcome.

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11 Responses to “Okay, It’s Like This…”

  1. empireofjeff May 4, 2012 at 1:14 am #

    Testes.

  2. you@mee.com May 4, 2012 at 1:25 am #

    One, two… three?

  3. AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) SMOD 2012 May 4, 2012 at 9:16 am #

    Yay! A New Post from EoJ!

  4. moerawn May 4, 2012 at 9:33 am #

    Ha Ha I’d deleted this blog from my favorites because IT HAD GROWN MOLD.

  5. The Mega Independent May 4, 2012 at 9:45 am #

    **** you.

  6. gmmay70 May 4, 2012 at 10:10 am #

    I’m bookmarking this. Don’t you let me down again.

  7. empireofjeff May 4, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    One post in, and I’ve already logged a couple of insults and vague threats.

    ****SNIIIIIFFFFFF****

    Aaahhhh. Refreshing.

  8. Larsen E. Whipsnade May 4, 2012 at 10:30 am #

    No pron, few profanities and a possible composite wife. If you’re going to do this right you’ll need to blog without pants while wearing an eye patch. That’s how ace rolls but don’t hire that lazy fuck pixy or there’ll be no spaces between the words.

  9. Kerry May 4, 2012 at 10:37 am #

    The quilt square avatars are a nice touch, granny.

  10. grognard, SMOD-Squad May 4, 2012 at 1:48 pm #

    There is hope after all. I volunteer for the Death’s Head Legions.

  11. Mitt the barber May 11, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    You are a quality a-hole. That’s a compliment. WTF is the deal with the polka dots on pink ? are trying to tell us something – nancy boy? I bet you need a haircut . . .

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