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Why Apple Sucks So Hard That Light Cannot Escape It: A Drive-Time Technology Review

29 Sep

Sorry, lovers of all things Apple.  Turns out the first crack in the iPhone’s armor…  was actually a crack in the armor:

iSnapped my shit up

iSnapped my shit up

Don’t blame me, hoss.  I don’t make the news;  I just report it.  And then piss all over it.

If you’re a Macolyte, iFag or general Apple fanboi, the next 12 minutes could get a little rough.

Spanking And You: Drive-Time Parenting Advice From the Empire Of Jeff

15 Sep

By now, you’ve probably heard that Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for causing injury to his child while whipping him with a switch.

Seriously, a switch?  I’m from Louisiana and the only person I ever heard about getting whipped with a switch was Tom Sawyer. Anyhow, you can see from the pictures at the above link that dude DEFINITELY went too far in disciplining his child, and as to his defense of “I was whipped like this when I was a kid…”

Show me the scars on your thighs and scrotum then, you lying asshole.  Because your kid will likely carry his scars for years, if not for life.

Regardless of this dipshit’s idea of the usefulness of “whoopin” his kid when he don’t “ack right,” spanking is one of those issues that you are either fully against, or fully in favor of.  Except for me, because I’m nuanced and shit.

Behold the first ever Empire of Jeff video blog in all its 480p glory:

The $100 Hamburger

5 Sep

In the general aviation community, the “$100 Hamburger” is slang used to describe flying to another airport just to eat a quick meal and then flying back to your home airport within the same afternoon.  It’s an inside joke, poking fun at the fact that pilots will grab at any excuse to fly – and it’s true.  It’s also maybe a little outdated, as the cost of renting a Cessna 172 these days will run you over $150 per hour.  The point is, it’s not that there’s actually a hamburger that you would pay $100 to eat.

But what if there were?

That’s where we’re headed if these assholes get their way.

Hundreds of fast-food workers from McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, Burger King and other chains walked off the job in a planned strike today aimed at getting the industry to increase wages and allow unionization.

The tactic is part of a larger movement dating back to at least 2012 that’s being called the “fight for 15″ — a push to get the U.S. federal minimum wage raised to $15 US an hour.

Currently, the U.S. federal minimum wage is $7.25 an hour, the same level since 2009. That works out to about $15,000 a year for a full-time 40-hour-a-week worker.

When did this country’s expectations of a job flipping burgers morph from a bottom-rung entry to the workforce, mainly for teenagers, into a lifelong career with unlimited earnings potential? Also, how many hamburgers do you think you will sell, when they cost 4 times as much as they do now?

Like most shitty attitudes about life, work and responsibility, combined with an absolute ignorance of basic economics, this idea wasn’t invented by Obama, but its essence is most perfectly distilled coming from the mouth of a man who is himself working in his very first job.

“There’s a national movement going on made up of fast-food workers organizing to lift wages so they can provide for their families with pride and dignity,” U.S. President Barack Obama said at an event in Milwaukee on Monday. “If I were busting my butt in the service industry and wanted an honest day’s pay for an honest day’s work, I’d join a union,” he added, in an attempt to move Congress into action on the file.

That is just so stupid that it’s not even wrong. His lack of understanding of skills development and earning potential mirrors exactly that of his constituents: fucking ZERO. He is the Avatar of Stupidity, come to fulfill the Idiocracy.

Let me explain to you how it works: for certain jobs, there is a concrete ceiling on how much you can earn. If you push a broom and earn $8.00 per hour for doing so, that’s about as much as you will ever make pushing a broom. The reason being, is that you do not provide any more broom-pushing value to the company as time goes on. The benefit of your work has a maximum value, and it’s pretty much what your starting wage is set at, BECAUSE ANYBODY CAN PUSH A BROOM. Whatever raises you got are rewards for things like loyalty and punctuality, and I guarantee you they won’t be life-changing.

And yet, some will still find a way to complain about it:

Prospero Sanchez, who was at the McDonald’s in New York, said the $11.50 an hour he earns making pizzas at a Domino’s Pizza restaurant is not enough to support him, his wife and two kids. He started working at the same restaurant 14 years ago, when he made $5 an hour.

He has asked his bosses for more money. “They said no,” Sanchez, 32, said.

Before I continue, I would like to pause for a quick irony break, while we consider that this guy’s name, “Prospero,” literally translates to “successful” or “prosperous” in Latin, Italian, Spanish and Portuguese. Thank you for your attention.

Prospero complains that his job making pizzas isn’t enough to support a family of four. Well, I am totally fucking shocked, Prospero. You mean to tell me that you’re doing the SAME KIDS’ ENTRY-LEVEL JOB YOU STARTED DOING 14 YEARS AGO, and you’re not making $50,000 per year? Get the fuck outta here. But yeah, dude, you gotta look out for your family. Here are some ideas you may want to explore:

- Getting another fucking kids’ job in addition to the kids’ job you already have
– Pop your head out of your ass, learn some skills beyond saucing a disc-shaped piece of bread, and get a better-paying job.
– Sell one or both of your children to a band of Gypsies, reducing your family’s expenses.

Yes, I am making light of Prospero’s “plight,” BECAUSE FUCK HIM, THAT’S WHY.

My first real “adult” job was infantryman in the U.S. Army. In 1993, a Private (E2) made $913.20. Let’s not get into the fact that it was WAY more than the 35 hours or so per week that Prospero puts in, or that it involved months of technical initial training, followed by years of ongoing skills and leadership development – that’s $45 per day on Prospero’s work schedule, HALF of what he’s making sprinkling cheese on your pizza with his unwashed hands.

When I ETS’d in 1999 as a Sergeant (E-5) I was pulling in $1,514.70… like a PIMP. To keep the running tally going, that equated to $9.47 per hour on Prospero’s work schedule (I wish). This was as an NCO in charge of up to 5 soldiers, accountable for millions of dollars of equipment and enough firepower to level your neighborhood.

But, I knew that I wasn’t going to make a career out of being a grunt, and as I wasn’t getting any smarter, I went back to the civilian job market. My first job, I got hired to valet cars at a French Quarter hotel, for one night a week at $4.50 per hour, plus tips. After my first shift, I was asked to work the next 15 days straight. After 45 days, I was promoted to shift manager, then bell captain a couple of months later, finally being sent to Baltimore to train as a Contract Manager, in charge of contracted guest services at another hotel.

When I had reached the limits of my earnings potential at that company, I moved over to restaurant management, having made a contact through my last job. I started by learning every position in the kitchen, then moved to Kitchen Manager, and within a few months, had ousted the General Manager of the restaurant from her position. Fuck her, she was lazy.

When I had reached the limits of what I could earn THERE, I moved to my next job, and so on. Now, I more or less work for myself, having been entrusted with a lot of the decisions having to do with the company’s operation and direction. I also have other business interests in development that will pay off over the next few years. My family wants for nothing, and there is very little that is beyond our reach in the way of small to medium luxuries or vacations. And I did it in the same time frame that our pizza-assembler spent doing the same fucking thing, over and over.

THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE, BOY:

- You work harder than your peers, which is easy, since most of your co-workers are fucking lazy. Just doing what you were hired to do will look like superhuman effort on your part.

- Seek positions of higher responsibility and trust, and then prove that you are responsible and trustworthy.

- When you’ve reached the limits of how high you can climb in a certain job, ask yourself if you’ve met your goals. If the answer is NO, then move on to another job.

- Instead of spending your off-hours playing video games or sniffing highlighter fumes, work on ways to make yourself more valuable to your organization, or the next organization you wish to work in. With 4 kids at home, I went to night school for Accounting, not because I wanted to be a CPA, but to improve my business analytical skills, and become more effective in my role at work. If you’re not willing to invest some of your time and money in yourself, why should your company invest more of THEIR time and money in you?

Most importantly, act like a man, not a child. It is your job as a husband and father to do what is necessary to provide for your family, not your employers. All they have are jobs that pay $11.50 per hour, because that’s the nature of their business. If they have to pay you double, they go out of business and your job disappears. That’s not unfair, it is the very definition of fair. Because life is not concerned with “fair,” it is concerned with survival.

Smarten up, jerkoff.

 

 

Is The Rise Of ISIS A Positive Development In Islam’s War Against The West?

4 Sep

ISIS:  the pack of Muslim lunatics tear-assing around Syria and Iraq while raping, murdering and pillaging everything in sight to re-establish the Caliphate.  Crucifying their enemies.  Cutting the heads off little girls and putting them on sticks.  Sawing through the necks of American journalists and posting the video of it to JihadTube.  Openly daring the U.S. President to do something about it, if he has the balls.  Legions of Muslims, born and raised in Western nations, are flocking to the ISIS banner, abandoning their homes in Germany, France, the U.K. and even America;  eager to shed blood in the name of…  well, that part’s not quite clear. 

What is beyond doubt is that ISIS is no amateur pack of half-assed college kids like Arafat’s Black September retards.  ISIS is extremely well-heeled, raking in an estimated $4 million per day, and led by some of Islam’s most experienced warriors, such as the Chechens, who are no strangers to the mass murder of innocents to “advance” their cause.

Is there a silver lining to the rise of the most murderous regime in the last 40 years? 

Quite possibly.

Here’s something to think about:  every Muslim that leaves America to join ISIS so he can shoot, loot and rape is one less Muslim that will do those things IN America.  Tearing up your passport, Mohammed?  Good.  Stay over there and get killed. Email your friends and family, and tell them how great it is over there, so they can go over and get killed, too. Besides, we need more room for Mexican illegals with tuberculosis.  They’re the future of America, you know.

So what, am I advocating abandoning the people of Iraq and Syria to their fates?  For now, yes.  And yes, I know it’s terrible that more innocent people will be tortured and murdered over there. 

But guess what?  Muslims gonna Muslim.  That shit is going to occur, regardless.  We couldn’t save James Foley and Steven Sotloff. What we can do is warn journalists to use some common sense.  Yes, I know – Lara Logan should be able to walk around Tahrir Square without being raped.  But guess what?  She can’t.  Muslims gonna Muslim.

Which brings me to my thesis:  Is there a way to turn the formation of ISIS to our advantage?  Absolutely, with one caveat, and it’s a big one:  we have to have the balls to do so.

The single most frustrating aspect of the War on Terror is the amorphous nature of our enemy.  They hide within the civilian population, slinking out to plant an IED or conduct an ambush, only to fade back into anonymity.  They use our distaste for civilian casualties as just another weapon in their arsenal, knowing that our political leadership will not survive the criticism of collateral damage caused by our forces.  With very few exceptions, like both battles for Fallujah and Sadr City,

The United States has always excelled at stand-up fights, while showing a lack of patience and willpower in fighting insurgencies.  In Vietnam, the Viet Cong were a thorn in the side of U.S. forces, living amongst and operating from a widely-distributed population base. They used terror tactics to great effect, and when they launched the Tet Offensive in 1968, they found out just how badly they fucked up, in offering the U.S. a set-piece battle.  The offensive was absolutely crushed, costing the North Vietnamese 75,000 dead, and ending the Viet Cong as a cohesive insurgency group.  Not that you would ever know it from Walter Cronkite and the flower-dicks, who painted an extremely lopsided U.S. victory as a bitter loss that had cost us the war.

Right now, all the world’s varied, yet local goatfucker terror groups are crystallizing around ISIS.  They’ve found a place where they think they can launch the global domination that their pedophile prophet started. They’re excited.  And so am I.  Because the non-state nature of rug-merchant terrorism has been what’s made it so hard to combat.  Now you fags have your own country, based on your principles of slavery and murder?  Excellent.  GAME ON, BITCHES.

As a wee infantry grunt, I learned the 3 Fs:  Find, Fix, Finish.  ISIS is making themselves easy to Find, coalescing as they are in Syria and northern Iraq, and if the other countries in the region get nervous enough, will beg us to base planes and troops nearby, Fixing them in place. Then you just wait for them to fuck up badly enough* and Finish them.

*Sawing the heads off two American journalists who voluntarily placed themselves into extremely dangerous situations, while outrageous and deserving of retribution, is not sufficient provocation to march to war. Don’t worry about “Jihadi John”. That scrawny faggot is going to get what’s coming to him.

When the predations of Muslims are limited to small-scale, localized actions, the West tends to tolerate them as a necessary evil, and also as an opportunity to show what tolerant gentlebeings they are by not warring against them. When they start to get too big for their britches, the West tends to stomp down.  Hard.

Here’s hoping that the U.S. and Europe find their balls before the butcher’s bill runs too high.

 

Turns Out, Captain Knee Defender Is Quite The Asshole

3 Sep

To Recline or Not To Recline – that is the question. The Answer is, “Recline if you want to, and tell the pussy behind you to stow his bullshit about his legroom.”

So, this whole “debate” about whether it is ETHICAL to recline your seat on an airplane seems to have been started by one jerkoff, who now realizes that the entire planet has just found out how completely and thoroughly he showed his ass on a recent flight. And he “regrets” the incident. NOTE: this does not constitute being “sorry” or in any way serve as an apology to the woman he wronged, the flight attendant he verbally abused, or the plane full of passengers he severely inconvenienced by causing the plane to be diverted to another city.

This jagoff admits that he used a device called a Knee Defender, which clips to your tray table and prevents the seat in front of you from reclining, like a doorstop keeps a door from opening. While it isn’t a crime to own or use these things, the airlines prohibit them, for the simple reason of BECAUSE WHAT KIND OF ASSHOLE USES THIS KIND OF THING?

“I put them in maybe a third of the time. Usually, the person in front tries [to recline] their seat a couple of times, and then they forget about it,” Beach said. The device comes with a courtesy card to tell passengers that you’ve blocked them, but he doesn’t use it.

I’d rather just kind of let them think the seat is broken, rather than start a confrontation,” he said.

A Passive-Aggressive Asshole – that’s what kind.

When the flight attendants came through the cabin to serve beverages, the woman said her seat was broken. That’s when Beach told one of them about the Knee Defender. The flight attendant asked him to remove the device, and Beach said he did.

“As soon as I started to move it, she just full force, blasted the seat back, right on the laptop, almost shattered the screen. My laptop came flying onto my lap,” he said.

Poor baby! So, after admitting in front of this woman that you surreptitiously, but purposefully sabotaged the seat that she paid for, to prevent her from getting more comfortable, you’re surprised that she was annoyed with you?

Beach complained, saying that he couldn’t work like that, but the flight attendant informed him that the woman had the right to recline. Both passengers were sitting in United’s Economy Plus section, which offers four more inches of legroom than the rest of coach.

His reply: “You asked me to let her recline a few inches, and she just took 100 per cent of it.”

You snivelling little bitch. Like her comfort is YOURS to dole out, an inch at a time, and begrudgingly at that. Fuck. You.

However, at this point a mature adult might have used this as an opportunity to take a breath and let it go. Or defuse a tense situation with a joke. Or apologize to the person in front them and offer to buy them a drink. Or you could…

That’s when Beach’s anger boiled over. He said he pushed the woman’s seat forward and put the Knee Defender back in.

OH MOTHERFUCKER NO YOU DID NOT.

This is the moment where the woman who did nothing to provoke his assholish behaviour in the first place, tossed a soda in his face. Good for her. That’s how dames used to publicly punish boorish behaviour – with a drink in the face. Do you have any doubt that he would never have attempted this bullshit, were it a man sitting in front of him?

Don’t forget, this dick caused everyone on the plane, WHO ALL PAID FOR A FLIGHT TO DENVER, to end up in Chicago, meaning they missed their connecting flights, or just didn’t get home. And he’s still whining about the treatment HE got. He’s lucky every passenger on that flight didn’t beat him with their seatbelt buckles as the police marched him off the plane. Instead, he’s whining that he got a laptop full of Sprite, when what he NEEDS is an ass full of foot.

Air travel used to be a big deal when I was a kid. People dressed up to fly. Stewardesses were beautiful young women. And they were still called stewardesses. Those days are over. Let me explain the realities of air travel in 2014 for you: if you’re flying economy on an airline, ANY airline, you’re taking the fucking Sky-Bus. Quit acting like you’re entitled to carve out your own little territory. You bought a cheap ticket, and so you get cheap amenities. You want all kinds of room, all to yourself? Buy a first-class ticket. Charter your own plane – they’ll let you lay down in the aisle, if that’s what you want. I’ve done both, and they’re great, but they cost money. Shell out the cash or shut the fuck up – those are your options.

And no, I don’t want to join your faggy “movement” to take the pledge against reclining, or whatever the fuck it is you’re trying to gin up.

What you do NOT do, is stuff something in my seat to prevent it from reclining, like you’re my daddy and what you say goes. I will get up, come back there, and fucking take them away from you. Attempt to slam my seat forward after I recline, and you’re getting your shit pushed in. The broken nose and shattered teeth should take your mind off the lack of legroom. You’re welcome.

I Shall Return

14 Aug

Oh, yes.

OH, YES.

My rules, my content, my abs glistening in the tropical su-

I mean,  stupidity. There will be more.  On Your Home For Dick Jokes – KEOJ.

Pass the word.

Fear the future.

Scared

1 Apr

Dad’s in bypass surgery right now. 

This is one of the moments that doesn’t strike you as being possible until you’ve reached a certain age – when you’ve married, had kids, gotten through the hard part of having toddlers and things are fantastic.  Life is easier,  the family is thriving,  the future’s bright and it really feels like you’re  hitting your
stride.

Now I wish I could just roll the clock back.

http://youtu.be/6YRl54zq_2M

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