America has had its share of top gymnasts. Tough, competitive athletes who devote their lives to excellence in their sport and bringing glory to our country. Household names like Bart Conner, Mary Lou Retton, Dominique Dawes, Frank Kriz, and Shannon Miller. All of these superstars can be called great, but only one can be called America’s Greatest. From this field of champions, two have been selected to compete for the title of America’s Greatest Gymnast.
The Empire of Jeff Newsletter puts these two legends head-to-head in five separate events.
Tonight, we settle this shit for good. Who’s it going to be?
KURT THOMAS, MASTER OF GYMKATA
MITCH GAYLORD, the uhh… dude from AMERICAN ANTHEM
THE NAME GAME
Kurt Thomas: All-American sounding. Short first name with hard consonants that can be barked out like a curse. You would be hard pressed to make fun of this man’s name.
Mitch Gaylord: Do we even have to have this discussion? I didn’t think so, Bitch Gaywad.
WINNER: THOMAS. Attention, future parents. If you have a last name like “Gaylord”, PLEASE think carefully when naming your offspring.
THE MEN’S HAIRSTYLE
Mitch Gaylord: Greasy dago hair-pile. Frankly, it’s a fucking mess.
Kurt Thomas: Classic mid-80′s straight mullet. Utilitarian, short bangs with collar-length redneck back.
WINNER: TIE. It was the eighties. Nobody with hair back then could be called a “winner.”
THE POMMEL HORSE
WINNER: THOMAS. This routine is already technically and physically demanding, but Kurt cranks the difficulty level to eleven and then he tears off the knob. You think there’s pressure performing in front of an Olympic audience? Try performing in front of an audience of criminally insane villagers trying to stab you with farm implements. Thank God there was a pommel horse-shaped… umm… thing in the middle of that town square. And chalk.
FACING THE COMPETITION
Kurt Thomas: Kurt battled against Parmistanian ninjas, assorted Mongol archers, murderous fellow competitors, some white dude in a fur vest, and an entire fucking village of murder-crazed… whatever they were supposed to be. But they had sharp and pointy weapons.
Mitch Gaylord: Mitch battled his self-doubts, his father’s disappointment, and his fear of committing to a mutually nurturing- Come ON, Mitch! Do you have to be such a fag all the time?!
WINNER: THOMAS. Mitch Gaylord spends so much time brooding, he should be a fucking sparkly vampire with a taste for blood. And underage emo teen cutter ass.
PULLING THE ASS
Mitch Gaylord: Janet Jones
Kurt Thomas: Princess Rubali
WINNER: GAYLORD. For the first time in this competition, Mitch pulls off a commanding win, with his perky, blond, all-American squeeze. Two years after American Anthem, Janet Jones would go on to become Mrs. Wayne Gretzky. When you’ve so thoroughly ruined a woman for other men that she can only find marital bliss with the man our planet has named The Great One, you’re swinging the fucking lumber. It was a solid win, but unfortunately for Mitch, it was not enough to overcome Kurt Thomas’ early lead. And so we must declare:
AMERICA’S GREATEST GYMNAST: KURT THOMAS.
Show ‘em how it’s done, Kurt.
I only hope I live to see Christopher Nolan do a gritty reboot of Gymkata.