There’s a reason that professional soccer hasn’t really caught on in America. Part of it is that it’s a low-scoring game, often ending in ties, a condition usually unsatisfying to American audiences who are conditioned to offensively-weighted battles on the football field, basketball court and baseball diamond. Part of it is that it is a complex game, full of complex yet subtle intracacies of positioning and defensive maneuvering.
But mostly, because it is a stupid sport championed by the biggest pussies on the planet: Europeans.
Saturday night, The Empress of Jeff, myself and another couple were winding down after dinner in a local pub, which had the Euro Cup 2012 game between Russia and Greece playing on several televisions. We were having a good time ignoring it and drinking beer when my friend’s eyes got wide and he said, “Would you Look. At. This. Shit.”
I spun around in my seat to see a Greek soccer player rolling around on the turf, clutching his leg in agony. Big fucking deal – these soccer pussies are constantly taking dives and screwing their faces up in agony; you’d swear they had blown an ACL – but then they hop right back up after a few seconds and keep playing, like the little bitches they are.
But this dude wasn’t getting up. Next thing you know, a stretcher crew is on the way out to get him, and I’m feeling kind of like an asshole.
And as soon as his stretcher got to the sidelines, HE HOPPED OFF THAT MOTHERFUCKER AND RAN BACK ONTO THE FIELD.
Greece goes on to win, partly because they don’t stop the clock in soccer for any reason, so this faking cocksucker eats up 5 minutes of the clock, and nobody does a damn thing. In what fucking society is this looked upon as okay?
IN EUROPEAN SOCIETY.
No wonder their bullshit economic clusterfucked Eurozone experiment is swirling down the shitter – look who makes up the test subjects! Weak, craven, devious and shameless. Why the fuck would we ever pay good money to sit in a stadium and watch 90 minutes of underweight nancy-boys pretend to be injured, while we pretend to be concerned only to pretend to then call it “strategy” when it is revealed, AGAIN, that the “athlete” on the field clutching his leg like Lawrence Taylor just snapped that motherfucker in half is faking it?
Not in my country, you hairy-backed savages. This is exactly why we had to go over there twice in the last century to unfuck your slapfights. We don’t need you infecting our brave men with your weakness.
BONUS PUSSY SOCCER FOOTAGE: