Remind Me to Amend My Will

6 Jun

Because I want to be enbalmed and incorporated into a motorized death-hovercraft with guns implanted in my Guns, grenade launcher pecs, a beer cooler in my gut and a smokescreen generator in my ass.  Kind of like this guy repurposed his cat after it was run over and killed by a car.

We all mourn in different ways, haters.

Now the story is about a week old, and we’ve all had a chuckle, or a conniption fit, depending on your proclivities, but let me remind you that this is not the creepiest thing I’ve seen.  It gets creepier.  It ALWAYS gets creepier.

What if it wasn’t your pet that you had stuffed and mounted?  What if it was your son?

“Was’sappenin’, ese?”
“You know… Chillin’. At room temperature, homes.”

Angel Pontoja Medina died in Puerto Rico in 2008 and his family had him stuffed and propped in the corner of their living room for three days.  WHY?! Why would they do that?

BECAUSE THEY’RE FUCKING AMATEURS, THAT’S WHY.

In Puerto Rican, “dignity” loses a little something in the translation.

David Morales Colon, 22, was shot to death April 22 in Puerto Rico. For his wake, Colon was embalmed and mounted on his Honda CBR600F4i with full Repsol colors.

You know what really bothers me about all this?  AMERICA IS LOSING IT’S CRAFTSMANSHIP.

You’ve got filthy Scandis making dead catcopters and the damn Puerto Ricans are most likely working on the technology to staple a dead kid to a skateboard and push him into a half-pipe.  This is BULLSHIT.  I’m very healthy, but you just never know.  I feel like I need to start brainstorming funeral ideas before we’re permanently pushed into third-world status as regards corpse abuse.  It used to be we’d have some captured Nazi scientists working non-stop on turning recently deceased tuberculosis patients into remote control half-tracks that could charge into battle and stick a limpet mine to a German Tiger tank’s belly armor.

Put your suggestions in the comments section and let’s see if we can get back some of America’s pride.

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4 Responses to “Remind Me to Amend My Will”

  1. RexHarrisonsHat June 6, 2012 at 9:11 pm #

    Angel’s parents also have no fucking clue how to hang a framed photo on a wall.

    But far be it for me to criticize grieving parents. Especially when they find it totally normal to turn their dead kid into a gang-bangin’ Hummel figurine.

    Cool cat pic tho.

  2. AllenG (Dedicated Tenther) June 6, 2012 at 10:28 pm #

    FYI – The EoJ Newsletter is officially Mrs. Tenther approved.

  3. empireofjeff June 6, 2012 at 10:54 pm #

    Ha! Score!

  4. EC June 7, 2012 at 12:17 pm #

    I know…

    Animatronic aborted babies made to climb walls and ceilings just like the one from Trainspotting.

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