Archive | May, 2012

Another Supernanny I Find Unattractive

31 May

Fuck New York City.

Tell me again why this place is supposed to be the greatest city on earth?  Why these powdered douchestockings in Manhattan look down their noses at the rest of the country?  Why I would ever want to visit this communist shithole?

They KEEP ELECTING a single man, a billionaire to tell them what they cannot do.   You can’t smoke.  You can’t have foie gras.  You can’t have trans-fats.  You can’t have a menu without all the nutritional info on it next to the price, making it fucking aggravating to read.  And now, You can’t have a Big Gulp.  Because you’re a fucking child, and Nanny Bloomberg knows you’ll just drink too much and become a Fatty Fat-Fat.

Oh, and you’re just going to love scraping your ass clean with the Three Seashells when this motherfucker bans toilet paper.

BE WELL, CITIZEN

I’m not even mad at Bloomberg.  Not for this, anyway.  I’m mad at the majority of New Yorkers who are so fucking stupid that they let this man dictate every facet of their private lives, no matter how trivial.  Because he knows better.

Fuck you, you spineless, sniveling, jelly-cocked pathetic excuse for free human beings.  If I ever decide to grace your festering sewer with my presence, it’ll be behind the wheel of a 24-foot Ryder truck packed to the tits with 2-liter bottles of fucking Jolt Cola to sell for $1,000 apiece to the poor bastards in the Outer Boroughs.

You’re free to vote yourselves into the prison camps, just keep your slave mentality confined to that turd floating between the Hudson and East Rivers.  Because you’ve got a terminal illness that I don’t want any part of.

Professor Jeff’s Cavalcade of Batshit Crazy

30 May

Remember when we all thought that a naked guy eating a naked hobo’s face off and growling at the police was insane?  Remember yesterday?

Step the fuck off, Naked Face Chewer – YOU JUST GOT SERVED.

Via Gateway Pundit and the National Post,

A video that purportedly shows a suspect wanted in connection with the Ottawa–Montreal body parts case brutally killing and sexually assaulting a naked man appears on a Canadian-operated website.

Police are now studying the gruesome video, which was believed to have been taken by the suspect, identified today by police as Luka Rocco Magnotta.

Magnotta is wanted in connection with the discovery of a man’s torso stuffed in a locked suitcase in Montreal — whose hand and foot were mailed to Ottawa.

A man by the same name as Magnotta — who is featured on a number of lurid websites — is a low-budget gay porn star suspected of appearing in a number of kitten-killing videos.

There is a veritable CORNUCOPIA of insanity packed into four short sentences:

  • Snuff film
  • Dismemberment
  • Mailing body parts to the Conservative Party of Canada
  • Low-budget gay porn star
  • KITTEN KILLING VIDEOS

There’s also been speculation that this dude was romantically involved with schoolgirl serial killer Karla Homolka, so I don’t know how they just assume he’s gay.

Light up the stage and wax a chump like a CANDLE

Oh.

Anyway, it’s almost like it’s too much crazy to experience all at once.  Like, “Don’t eat your crazy all at once or you’re gonna get a bellyache, Luke!”

Holy shit.  And there was some quality crazy out there today, too.  You had this chucklenuts carrying on the family tradition of getting bitten to death by a rattlesnake while preachifyin’ and calling down the Holy Spirit.

A “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual, just as the man had apparently watched a snake kill his father years before.

“And they shall take up serpents an- OH MY GOD IT BIT OH THE FANGS THE FANGS MAKE IT AAAAAAAHHHHH FANGS BURRRRNNNINNNGGG…!”

The good news is, I don’t see a wedding ring on his hand, so there’s a chance that there won’t be three generations of these dumb fucks getting bitten to death by snakes that they are pestering on purpose.

Hat tip to Bob Owens, who has the coolest job on the planet – writing about guns.

 

 

 

The Naked Lunch

29 May

Some days you look at the news and think you’re not giving me anything to work with, people.

And then some days, a crazy naked bastard will eat another unlucky naked bastard’s face off on a freeway ramp, growl at the police when ordered to “HOLY FUCK STOP EATING HIS FACE WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS!” before returning to his snack and eventually getting shot dead.

That is possibly the most awesome sentence I have ever constructed.

Ronald Poppo, a Miami homeless man, has been identified as the victim in a horrific face-chewing attack.

But as you can see, it’s not the most awesome sentence that anyone has ever constructed.  Damn.

Forget it, Jeff. It’s M-town.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow but somebody’s going to have to step up to the fucking plate to get weirder than this.

A police officer shot and killed Poppo’s attacker, 31-year-old Rudy Eugene, as he chewed Poppo’s face in the shadow of The Miami Herald’s headquarters. Both men were naked at the time of the attack, the Herald reported.

You had me at “face-chewing attack,” Eugene.  But you really took it to the next level with naked face chewing attack, complete with the Bela Lugosi look-over-your-shoulder-and-growl, then a beat, then start face-chewing again.  That’s a scene-stealer.  But stripping your hobo victim naked before you eat his face – that’s just hamming it up.  Oh, well, they say that bullets are the only critics that count, and I counted off eight of them that the po-po popped into your crazy ass.  Final curtain, psycho.

Hat tip to John in this morning’s Operations Meeting, but everyone is going to assume that Ace should get a link, because he posted about it today, and I’ll look like the dick if I don’t.  But think about it – does Ace ever return my phone calls, or say thank you for the mix tape I made him, or offer to drop the stalking charges, or comment on how nice the collage of Glenn Reynolds with his eyes scratched out I sent him looks? Why does that make me the dick?  Why do I always have to be the one to say I’m sorry in this relationship?

 

 

The Last Full Measure of Devotion

28 May

I had meant to write this post last night and post it before work today, because after all, Memorial Day is not a holiday in Canada.  In my defense, I was extremely drunk and fell asleep.  However, it allowed me to respond to the idiocy spouted by Television Non-Entity Chris Hayes on MSNBC.

“Why do I feel so uncomfortable about the word ‘hero’?” Hayes said. “I feel  uncomfortable about the word hero because it seems to me that it is so  rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war. Um, and, I don’t want to  obviously desecrate or disrespect memory of anyone that’s fallen, and obviously  there are individual circumstances in which there is genuine, tremendous  heroism, you know, hail of gunfire, rescuing fellow soldiers and things like  that. But it seems to me that we marshal this word in a way that is problematic.  But maybe I’m wrong about that.”

Yes, maybe you’re wrong.  Maybe you’re a giant pussy who is uncomfortable around soldiers in general, because they do things that you wouldn’t do.  That you COULDN’T do.  And fuck your non-apology, jagoff.  You made it all about you, you narcissistic bitch.  Get back to that fucking ratings bonanza that no one has ever heard of or watched.  I’d rather listen to the characterization of our fallen by a man I respect:  Abraham Lincoln.

Today’s schoolchildren will likely remember Abraham Lincoln as a dude who totally fuckin’ kicked vampire ass, man.  But long after he had left a trail of broken, undead, glittery, emo Eurofag bloodsuckers across our country, he gave a speech at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, where a few months before the Union’s General George Meade and his Army of the Potomac defeated General Robert E. Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia, breaking the back of the Confederacy and ending Lee’s plan to capture Washington D.C.

His speech was only two minutes long and was only one of many made that day at the commemoration of Soldiers’ National Cemetery, but it will still be quoted hundreds of years from now.  I won’t reproduce all of it, but just the end, to counter the foolishness of Chris Hayes, who neither respects nor understands courage, bravery or sacrifice.  To our honored dead, rest in peace.

It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Fall Out.

Brett Kimberlin Awareness Day

25 May

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, there has been a disturbance in the dextrosphere.  Patterico lays out the whole disgusting mess in his post today.  I don’t even know where to pull a quote from, it’s THAT packed with infuriating bullshit harrassment.  It’s worth reading the entire thing anyway.  But rehashing Patterico and Robert Stacy McCain’s travails isn’t the point of today.  It’s to remind you of who Brett Kimberlin is and what he has done.

Already having been convicted of impersonating a federal agent, in 1981 he was convicted of setting off a series of bombs in 1978 in Speedway, Indiana, one of which blew off the leg of a man named Carl DeLong.  After ten years of excruciating pain due to his injuries, Carl DeLong committed suicide.  Convicted bomber Brett Kimberlin was successfully sued by DeLong’s widow, and after serving 13 years of a 50-year sentence, was sent back to prison for four years because he refused to pay the judgment.

Think about that.  This guy traded four years of his own freedom to deny his victim’s widow restitution.

And yet, there is no Wikipedia entry about him or the Speedway Bombings.  A man was convicted of setting off a series of six bombs in an American city, and you can find no direct reference to either him or the event itself.

He and his devotees have accomplished this through a campaign of legal harrassment, threats and intimidation.

So far.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant, so here’s a cup of Pine-Sol in your eye, Brett Kimberlin.  They say history is written by the victors.  That ain’t you, convict.

You LOSE.

Obama’s Police State

21 May

At least, that’s what libtards called it when police asked protesters to assemble anywhere besides where they wanted to during the Republican National Convention in 2008.  Which would have been right in front of the doors.  This weekend, the usual liberal and whatever-the-fuck-you-would-call-them “anarchist” protesters showed up to protest the NATO summit.  Once they ran out of NATO summit to protest, they marched down to Boeing’s plant to protest… I don’t know.  Air travel?  Who knows with these fucking idiots anymore?

All I know is, that under a Democrat president, and under a Democrat mayor, Chicago and Illinois State Police put the fucking jackboot down.

Chicago’s Greatest Hits, featuring Capt. Bill “Skull” Crackington on Percussion

Don’t feel too bad for them.  These kids showed up looking to get into a fight with police.  So, in this case, aren’t these fine citizens getting what they asked for?  That’s Public Service, homies!  Shouldn’t we be rewarding that kind of devotion to duty?

Funny though, that I don’t recall seeing this many skulls cracked when Bush was president.  Or at all.  Although I heard a whole lot about how he was shredding the Constitution, rounding up dissidents to put in camps, blah blah blah. And when you point out that the only President of the United States to ACTUALLY round up citizens and put them in camps was a Democrat, you get blank stares, denials, excuses and lies.

OOPS.

Join me in the schadenfreude, friends.  We may be living in a country led by a Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure, but at least we get the joy of watching his underlings drop the fucking lumber on the skulls of the ignorant hippies who voted for him.  It was a good weekend.

Your Fair Share: How Much Is Enough?

21 May

Much ado has been made lately of the Facebook IPO, which if you’ve been following, was considered a fizzle.  True, it only closed 23 cents above its launch price of $38 per share, but if you consider convincing millions of investors suckers to pay 100 times earnings for a piece of a company that has no other revenue source but selling ads on the internet to be a failure, I’d have to disagree.  Facebook is obnoxiously overhyped and overpriced.  Mark Fuckerberg is an annoying little assclown who doesn’t even have the class to put a fucking tie on to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ.  That’s what you’re buying.  The image.  The image of a hoodie-wearing dweeb with a totalitarian bent who decided a couple of years ago to just make all your “private” information public by refuckulating your privacy settings without your permission.

Because he felt like it.

“A lot of companies would be trapped by the conventions and their legacies of what they’ve built,” he said. “Doing a privacy change for 350 million users is not the kind of thing that a lot of companies would do.

“But we viewed that as a really important thing, to always keep a beginner’s mind and what would we do if we were starting the company now and we decided that these would be the social norms now and we just went for it.”

To quote Jon Lovitz:
“What a fucking asshole.”

However, it’s hard to fault him.  After all, no one is forcing you to give him your personal information to help him create his online marketing database.  It’s free to sign up, people – how did you think he was paying the bills?

So, as a result, Fuckerberg and several others involved with both the creation of and initial investment in Facebook have gotten fabulously wealthy.  Bully for them.  I approve of people making as much money as they are able, provided they break no laws and pay their fair share in taxes.

And there’s the rub.  What is your “fair share?”  How does this nebulous concept translate to a percentage or a dollar figure?  It’s impossible to define, isn’t it?  In the strictly metaphyical sense, you will never have universal agreement on what empirical value defines “fair.”  And yet, we have a very complex tax code that determines who pays what.  How complex?  In 1913, the tax code was 400 pages long.  As of 2010, it had grown to 71,684 pages.  And the more money you make, the more of those pages apply to you.

So now the new media pasttime is to attack Eduardo Saverin, one of the early investors in Facebook, for renouncing his U.S. citizenship in 2009, seemingly to avoid millions of dollars of taxes that remaining a U.S. citizen would have required him to pay once the Facebook IPO revaluated his holdings.  From a strictly financial standpoint:

GOOD FOR HIM.

We’re supposed to be glad that the IRS is able to put its greasy dickbeaters on a man’s money so Obama can spend it on bums and foreigners?  We’re supposed to hate Saverin for finding a way to avoid that?  And for those of you who don’t recall the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion, here is a quick refresher:

Tax Evasion – Illegal.

Tax Avoidance – PERFECTLY LEGAL.

Those Are The Fucking Rules.  He paid his taxes.  LOTS of them.  And he had to fork it over in cash.  How does the “exit tax” work?

The first main  provision is a tax on the “deemed sale” of all your assets the  day before expatriation.  In other words, you are taxed on the  mark-to-market net gain of all your assets.

For the mark-to-market tax, you calculate as if you had sold all your assets on the day before  expatriation. You have to pay tax on the theoretical profit which  that sale would have given you.

Oh, and that includes everything.  Property, stocks, bonds, real estate, ownership interests, retirement funds – everything.  So what, exactly, did he “get away with?”  Is he supposed to have the IRS’ best interest at heart?  Is that what we are supposed to be working for?  To fund the federal government to the maximum of our ability?

“Anyone may arrange his affairs so that his taxes shall be as low as possible; he is not bound to choose that pattern which best pays the treasury. There is not even a patriotic duty to increase one’s taxes. Over and over again the Courts have said that there is nothing sinister in so arranging affairs as to keep taxes as low as possible. Everyone does it, rich and poor alike and all do right, for nobody owes any public duty to pay more than the law demands.”

Judge Learned Hand

And yet for many people, both on the left and the right, it doesn’t sit well with them.  It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel fair. If that’s you, let me explain what’s happening.  Your inner child is expressing his jealousy and envy.  Because, after all, Eduardo Saverin doesn’t deserve his billions. Because if life was fair, why YOU would be a billionaire!  After all, you deserve it.  You haven’t done a goddamn thing to EARN it, but fuck all that – you feel that way.  How about telling your inner child to shut the fuck up when grownups are talking?  Which brings us to the next argument I’m hearing way too much of:

He’s Unpatriotic for renouncing his citizenship, after all this country has done for him.

Since when is being “unpatriotic” a crime in the United States?

Officer, Arrest That Woman for Insufficient and Tardy Proudness
of the United States of America.

We are a nation of immigrants.  Most came here seeking a better life for themselves and their families – and America is one of the best places on earth to make a better life.  That’s the American Dream, isn’t it?  The pursuit of happiness?  This guy’s family moved here because in Brazil, like many Central and South American shitholes, those who have achieved any type of financial success are targeted for kidnapping for ransom.  Unlike here, where they are only targeted for financial assrape or having their business’ raw materials confiscated without ever being charged with a crime.  So what if you decide you’d be happier elsewhere?

As you’ve seen in Saverin’s case above, there already is a stiff financial penalty for renouncing your U.S. citizenship.  A penalty that he has already paid.  But that’s not enough, apparently.  Noted cocksucker and New York Senator Charles Schumer is pushing to have this guy banned from ever entering the U.S. again, as well as anyone else who tries to escape.  What good is freedom if you’re not free to leave?

We can’t build one to keep the Mexicans out, but they’ll damn sure build one to keep you in.

See how pissed Democrats get when you put their money out of reach of their greedy little fingers?  What’s shocking is that I’m hearing the same arguments from the supposed “right.”  Fox News, you’ve lost me.  Fuck off.

IT’S NOT YOUR MONEY.  HE PAID WHAT HE OWED.

Work on making your own fucking pile bigger and quit worrying about what other people have, you giant dickhole.

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