Archive | May, 2012

Another Supernanny I Find Unattractive

31 May

Fuck New York City.

Tell me again why this place is supposed to be the greatest city on earth?  Why these powdered douchestockings in Manhattan look down their noses at the rest of the country?  Why I would ever want to visit this communist shithole?

They KEEP ELECTING a single man, a billionaire to tell them what they cannot do.   You can’t smoke.  You can’t have foie gras.  You can’t have trans-fats.  You can’t have a menu without all the nutritional info on it next to the price, making it fucking aggravating to read.  And now, You can’t have a Big Gulp.  Because you’re a fucking child, and Nanny Bloomberg knows you’ll just drink too much and become a Fatty Fat-Fat.

Oh, and you’re just going to love scraping your ass clean with the Three Seashells when this motherfucker bans toilet paper.

BE WELL, CITIZEN

I’m not even mad at Bloomberg.  Not for this, anyway.  I’m mad at the majority of New Yorkers who are so fucking stupid that they let this man dictate every facet of their private lives, no matter how trivial.  Because he knows better.

Fuck you, you spineless, sniveling, jelly-cocked pathetic excuse for free human beings.  If I ever decide to grace your festering sewer with my presence, it’ll be behind the wheel of a 24-foot Ryder truck packed to the tits with 2-liter bottles of fucking Jolt Cola to sell for $1,000 apiece to the poor bastards in the Outer Boroughs.

You’re free to vote yourselves into the prison camps, just keep your slave mentality confined to that turd floating between the Hudson and East Rivers.  Because you’ve got a terminal illness that I don’t want any part of.

Professor Jeff’s Cavalcade of Batshit Crazy

30 May

Remember when we all thought that a naked guy eating a naked hobo’s face off and growling at the police was insane?  Remember yesterday?

Step the fuck off, Naked Face Chewer - YOU JUST GOT SERVED.

Via Gateway Pundit and the National Post,

A video that purportedly shows a suspect wanted in connection with the Ottawa–Montreal body parts case brutally killing and sexually assaulting a naked man appears on a Canadian-operated website.

Police are now studying the gruesome video, which was believed to have been taken by the suspect, identified today by police as Luka Rocco Magnotta.

Magnotta is wanted in connection with the discovery of a man’s torso stuffed in a locked suitcase in Montreal — whose hand and foot were mailed to Ottawa.

A man by the same name as Magnotta — who is featured on a number of lurid websites — is a low-budget gay porn star suspected of appearing in a number of kitten-killing videos.

There is a veritable CORNUCOPIA of insanity packed into four short sentences:

  • Snuff film
  • Dismemberment
  • Mailing body parts to the Conservative Party of Canada
  • Low-budget gay porn star
  • KITTEN KILLING VIDEOS

There’s also been speculation that this dude was romantically involved with schoolgirl serial killer Karla Homolka, so I don’t know how they just assume he’s gay.

Light up the stage and wax a chump like a CANDLE

Oh.

Anyway, it’s almost like it’s too much crazy to experience all at once.  Like, “Don’t eat your crazy all at once or you’re gonna get a bellyache, Luke!”

Holy shit.  And there was some quality crazy out there today, too.  You had this chucklenuts carrying on the family tradition of getting bitten to death by a rattlesnake while preachifyin’ and calling down the Holy Spirit.

A “serpent-handling” West Virginia pastor died after his rattlesnake bit him during a church ritual, just as the man had apparently watched a snake kill his father years before.

“And they shall take up serpents an- OH MY GOD IT BIT OH THE FANGS THE FANGS MAKE IT AAAAAAAHHHHH FANGS BURRRRNNNINNNGGG…!”

The good news is, I don’t see a wedding ring on his hand, so there’s a chance that there won’t be three generations of these dumb fucks getting bitten to death by snakes that they are pestering on purpose.

Hat tip to Bob Owens, who has the coolest job on the planet – writing about guns.

 

 

 

The Naked Lunch

29 May

Some days you look at the news and think you’re not giving me anything to work with, people.

And then some days, a crazy naked bastard will eat another unlucky naked bastard’s face off on a freeway ramp, growl at the police when ordered to “HOLY FUCK STOP EATING HIS FACE WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS!” before returning to his snack and eventually getting shot dead.

That is possibly the most awesome sentence I have ever constructed.

Ronald Poppo, a Miami homeless man, has been identified as the victim in a horrific face-chewing attack.

But as you can see, it’s not the most awesome sentence that anyone has ever constructed.  Damn.

Forget it, Jeff. It’s M-town.

I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow but somebody’s going to have to step up to the fucking plate to get weirder than this.

A police officer shot and killed Poppo’s attacker, 31-year-old Rudy Eugene, as he chewed Poppo’s face in the shadow of The Miami Herald’s headquarters. Both men were naked at the time of the attack, the Herald reported.

You had me at “face-chewing attack,” Eugene.  But you really took it to the next level with naked face chewing attack, complete with the Bela Lugosi look-over-your-shoulder-and-growl, then a beat, then start face-chewing again.  That’s a scene-stealer.  But stripping your hobo victim naked before you eat his face - that’s just hamming it up.  Oh, well, they say that bullets are the only critics that count, and I counted off eight of them that the po-po popped into your crazy ass.  Final curtain, psycho.

Hat tip to John in this morning’s Operations Meeting, but everyone is going to assume that Ace should get a link, because he posted about it today, and I’ll look like the dick if I don’t.  But think about it – does Ace ever return my phone calls, or say thank you for the mix tape I made him, or offer to drop the stalking charges, or comment on how nice the collage of Glenn Reynolds with his eyes scratched out I sent him looks? Why does that make me the dick?  Why do I always have to be the one to say I’m sorry in this relationship?

 

 

The Last Full Measure of Devotion

28 May

I had meant to write this post last night and post it before work today, because after all, Memorial Day is not a holiday in Canada.  In my defense, I was extremely drunk and fell asleep.  However, it allowed me to respond to the idiocy spouted by Television Non-Entity Chris Hayes on MSNBC.

“Why do I feel so uncomfortable about the word ‘hero’?” Hayes said. “I feel  uncomfortable about the word hero because it seems to me that it is so  rhetorically proximate to justifications for more war. Um, and, I don’t want to  obviously desecrate or disrespect memory of anyone that’s fallen, and obviously  there are individual circumstances in which there is genuine, tremendous  heroism, you know, hail of gunfire, rescuing fellow soldiers and things like  that. But it seems to me that we marshal this word in a way that is problematic.  But maybe I’m wrong about that.”

Yes, maybe you’re wrong.  Maybe you’re a giant pussy who is uncomfortable around soldiers in general, because they do things that you wouldn’t do.  That you COULDN’T do.  And fuck your non-apology, jagoff.  You made it all about you, you narcissistic bitch.  Get back to that fucking ratings bonanza that no one has ever heard of or watched.  I’d rather listen to the characterization of our fallen by a man I respect:  Abraham Lincoln.

Today’s schoolchildren will likely remember Abraham Lincoln as a dude who totally fuckin’ kicked vampire ass, man.  But long after he had left a trail of broken, undead, glittery, emo Eurofag bloodsuckers across our country, he gave a speech at Gettysburg, Pennsylvania, where a few months before the Union’s General George Meade and his Army of the Potomac defeated General Robert E. Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia, breaking the back of the Confederacy and ending Lee’s plan to capture Washington D.C.

His speech was only two minutes long and was only one of many made that day at the commemoration of Soldiers’ National Cemetery, but it will still be quoted hundreds of years from now.  I won’t reproduce all of it, but just the end, to counter the foolishness of Chris Hayes, who neither respects nor understands courage, bravery or sacrifice.  To our honored dead, rest in peace.

It is for us the living, rather, to be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced. It is rather for us to be here dedicated to the great task remaining before us — that from these honored dead we take increased devotion to that cause for which they gave the last full measure of devotion — that we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain — that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom — and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Fall Out.

Brett Kimberlin Awareness Day

25 May

As I’m sure you’re all aware by now, there has been a disturbance in the dextrosphere.  Patterico lays out the whole disgusting mess in his post today.  I don’t even know where to pull a quote from, it’s THAT packed with infuriating bullshit harrassment.  It’s worth reading the entire thing anyway.  But rehashing Patterico and Robert Stacy McCain’s travails isn’t the point of today.  It’s to remind you of who Brett Kimberlin is and what he has done.

Already having been convicted of impersonating a federal agent, in 1981 he was convicted of setting off a series of bombs in 1978 in Speedway, Indiana, one of which blew off the leg of a man named Carl DeLong.  After ten years of excruciating pain due to his injuries, Carl DeLong committed suicide.  Convicted bomber Brett Kimberlin was successfully sued by DeLong’s widow, and after serving 13 years of a 50-year sentence, was sent back to prison for four years because he refused to pay the judgment.

Think about that.  This guy traded four years of his own freedom to deny his victim’s widow restitution.

And yet, there is no Wikipedia entry about him or the Speedway Bombings.  A man was convicted of setting off a series of six bombs in an American city, and you can find no direct reference to either him or the event itself.

He and his devotees have accomplished this through a campaign of legal harrassment, threats and intimidation.

So far.

Sunlight is the best disinfectant, so here’s a cup of Pine-Sol in your eye, Brett Kimberlin.  They say history is written by the victors.  That ain’t you, convict.

You LOSE.

Obama’s Police State

21 May

At least, that’s what libtards called it when police asked protesters to assemble anywhere besides where they wanted to during the Republican National Convention in 2008.  Which would have been right in front of the doors.  This weekend, the usual liberal and whatever-the-fuck-you-would-call-them “anarchist” protesters showed up to protest the NATO summit.  Once they ran out of NATO summit to protest, they marched down to Boeing’s plant to protest… I don’t know.  Air travel?  Who knows with these fucking idiots anymore?

All I know is, that under a Democrat president, and under a Democrat mayor, Chicago and Illinois State Police put the fucking jackboot down.

Chicago’s Greatest Hits, featuring Capt. Bill “Skull” Crackington on Percussion

Don’t feel too bad for them.  These kids showed up looking to get into a fight with police.  So, in this case, aren’t these fine citizens getting what they asked for?  That’s Public Service, homies!  Shouldn’t we be rewarding that kind of devotion to duty?

Funny though, that I don’t recall seeing this many skulls cracked when Bush was president.  Or at all.  Although I heard a whole lot about how he was shredding the Constitution, rounding up dissidents to put in camps, blah blah blah. And when you point out that the only President of the United States to ACTUALLY round up citizens and put them in camps was a Democrat, you get blank stares, denials, excuses and lies.

OOPS.

Join me in the schadenfreude, friends.  We may be living in a country led by a Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure, but at least we get the joy of watching his underlings drop the fucking lumber on the skulls of the ignorant hippies who voted for him.  It was a good weekend.

Your Fair Share: How Much Is Enough?

21 May

Much ado has been made lately of the Facebook IPO, which if you’ve been following, was considered a fizzle.  True, it only closed 23 cents above its launch price of $38 per share, but if you consider convincing millions of investors suckers to pay 100 times earnings for a piece of a company that has no other revenue source but selling ads on the internet to be a failure, I’d have to disagree.  Facebook is obnoxiously overhyped and overpriced.  Mark Fuckerberg is an annoying little assclown who doesn’t even have the class to put a fucking tie on to ring the opening bell at NASDAQ.  That’s what you’re buying.  The image.  The image of a hoodie-wearing dweeb with a totalitarian bent who decided a couple of years ago to just make all your “private” information public by refuckulating your privacy settings without your permission.

Because he felt like it.

“A lot of companies would be trapped by the conventions and their legacies of what they’ve built,” he said. “Doing a privacy change for 350 million users is not the kind of thing that a lot of companies would do.

“But we viewed that as a really important thing, to always keep a beginner’s mind and what would we do if we were starting the company now and we decided that these would be the social norms now and we just went for it.”

To quote Jon Lovitz:
“What a fucking asshole.”

However, it’s hard to fault him.  After all, no one is forcing you to give him your personal information to help him create his online marketing database.  It’s free to sign up, people – how did you think he was paying the bills?

So, as a result, Fuckerberg and several others involved with both the creation of and initial investment in Facebook have gotten fabulously wealthy.  Bully for them.  I approve of people making as much money as they are able, provided they break no laws and pay their fair share in taxes.

And there’s the rub.  What is your “fair share?”  How does this nebulous concept translate to a percentage or a dollar figure?  It’s impossible to define, isn’t it?  In the strictly metaphyical sense, you will never have universal agreement on what empirical value defines “fair.”  And yet, we have a very complex tax code that determines who pays what.  How complex?  In 1913, the tax code was 400 pages long.  As of 2010, it had grown to 71,684 pages.  And the more money you make, the more of those pages apply to you.

So now the new media pasttime is to attack Eduardo Saverin, one of the early investors in Facebook, for renouncing his U.S. citizenship in 2009, seemingly to avoid millions of dollars of taxes that remaining a U.S. citizen would have required him to pay once the Facebook IPO revaluated his holdings.  From a strictly financial standpoint:

GOOD FOR HIM.

We’re supposed to be glad that the IRS is able to put its greasy dickbeaters on a man’s money so Obama can spend it on bums and foreigners?  We’re supposed to hate Saverin for finding a way to avoid that?  And for those of you who don’t recall the difference between tax avoidance and tax evasion, here is a quick refresher:

Tax Evasion – Illegal.

Tax Avoidance – PERFECTLY LEGAL.

Those Are The Fucking Rules.  He paid his taxes.  LOTS of them.  And he had to fork it over in cash.  How does the “exit tax” work?

The first main  provision is a tax on the “deemed sale” of all your assets the  day before expatriation.  In other words, you are taxed on the  mark-to-market net gain of all your assets.

For the mark-to-market tax, you calculate as if you had sold all your assets on the day before  expatriation. You have to pay tax on the theoretical profit which  that sale would have given you.

Oh, and that includes everything.  Property, stocks, bonds, real estate, ownership interests, retirement funds - everything.  So what, exactly, did he “get away with?”  Is he supposed to have the IRS’ best interest at heart?  Is that what we are supposed to be working for?  To fund the federal government to the maximum of our ability?

“Anyone may arrange his affairs so that his taxes shall be as low as possible; he is not bound to choose that pattern which best pays the treasury. There is not even a patriotic duty to increase one’s taxes. Over and over again the Courts have said that there is nothing sinister in so arranging affairs as to keep taxes as low as possible. Everyone does it, rich and poor alike and all do right, for nobody owes any public duty to pay more than the law demands.”

Judge Learned Hand

And yet for many people, both on the left and the right, it doesn’t sit well with them.  It doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel fair. If that’s you, let me explain what’s happening.  Your inner child is expressing his jealousy and envy.  Because, after all, Eduardo Saverin doesn’t deserve his billions. Because if life was fair, why YOU would be a billionaire!  After all, you deserve it.  You haven’t done a goddamn thing to EARN it, but fuck all that - you feel that way.  How about telling your inner child to shut the fuck up when grownups are talking?  Which brings us to the next argument I’m hearing way too much of:

He’s Unpatriotic for renouncing his citizenship, after all this country has done for him.

Since when is being “unpatriotic” a crime in the United States?

Officer, Arrest That Woman for Insufficient and Tardy Proudness
of the United States of America.

We are a nation of immigrants.  Most came here seeking a better life for themselves and their families – and America is one of the best places on earth to make a better life.  That’s the American Dream, isn’t it?  The pursuit of happiness?  This guy’s family moved here because in Brazil, like many Central and South American shitholes, those who have achieved any type of financial success are targeted for kidnapping for ransom.  Unlike here, where they are only targeted for financial assrape or having their business’ raw materials confiscated without ever being charged with a crime.  So what if you decide you’d be happier elsewhere?

As you’ve seen in Saverin’s case above, there already is a stiff financial penalty for renouncing your U.S. citizenship.  A penalty that he has already paid.  But that’s not enough, apparently.  Noted cocksucker and New York Senator Charles Schumer is pushing to have this guy banned from ever entering the U.S. again, as well as anyone else who tries to escape.  What good is freedom if you’re not free to leave?

We can’t build one to keep the Mexicans out, but they’ll damn sure build one to keep you in.

See how pissed Democrats get when you put their money out of reach of their greedy little fingers?  What’s shocking is that I’m hearing the same arguments from the supposed “right.”  Fox News, you’ve lost me.  Fuck off.

IT’S NOT YOUR MONEY.  HE PAID WHAT HE OWED.

Work on making your own fucking pile bigger and quit worrying about what other people have, you giant dickhole.

Chicken Grease Makes A Handy Lubricant: The Empire of Jeff Book Review

17 May

Last weekend, it came to my attention that one of the mom cliques at my Master Race’s school have been passing around a book that they are all just crazy for.  I love to read, but not just anything.  Chick-lit?  Fuckin’ PASS.  Sparkly vampires?  Sure.  While I’m at it, why don’t I just start making out with dudes?  But as it turns out, it’s neither of those.  It’s erotica.

Perhaps you’ve heard of it.  It’s called Fifty Shades of Grey, by E L James.  And apparently, it’s a New York Times bestseller – the movie rights have already been sold.  “Mommy porn,” it’s dubbed.  Okay, then, we might be on to something of interest here:  suburban housewives furtively passing around a tattered, dog eared copy of racy, hot, sweaty monkey-sex fap fuel, written by another housewife, a British one!  That has possibilites, right?  We could be talking Hairy Pooter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.  So let’s take a look at the plot.

When literature student Anastasia Steele goes to interview young entrepreneur Christian Grey, she encounters a man who is beautiful, brilliant, and intimidating. The unworldly, innocent Ana is startled to realize she wants this man and, despite his enigmatic reserve, finds she is desperate to get close to him. Unable to resist Ana’s quiet beauty, wit, and independent spirit, Grey admits he wants her, too—but on his own terms.

Shocked yet thrilled by Grey’s singular erotic tastes, Ana hesitates. For all the trappings of success—his multinational businesses, his vast wealth, his loving family—Grey is a man tormented by demons and consumed by the need to control. When the couple embarks on a daring, passionately physical affair, Ana discovers Christian Grey’s secrets and explores her own dark desires.

Seriously, bitch?  Seriously?  Somebody already wrote this fucking book and they already made the goddamn movie.  It was called 9 1/2 weeks, you unoriginal dipshit.  You even ripped off the name of the man in the original, John Grey, the wealthy and mysterious Wall Street arbitrageur.  And from what I can see, young Kim Basinger does not appear in this story, clothed OR unclothed.  Goddamnit, who is responsible for this?!

It Moved. Back into my body cavity.

This isn’t even Stephanie Meyer.  This is someone who wishes she was Stephanie Meyer, so much so that this book didn’t first start as a ripoff of 9 1/2 Weeks, it started off as Twilight-based erotic fan fiction. This lovely gal was laying in bed, eating chicken wings and flicking her bean with greasy fingers, thinking that the only thing that could make Twilight better is if Edward and Bella did some BDSM.  You let that image burn in real good, kids, because that was the beginnings of this woman’s multi-million dollar fortune.

But maybe I’m being unfair.  Maybe it’s not an original idea, but maybe it’s an improvement.  Maybe her characters are richly drawn.  Maybe the dialogue is witty.  Maybe her insight into men’s and women’s sexual desires come together in a steamy synthesis of erotic titillation. Maybe it’ll help spice up someone’s marriage.  Maybe this is a situation where big things happen to little people and prove to all of us that true literary talent resides in sometimes the humblest of us.  And maybe sometimes the universe gets it right and rewards that talent, bypassing the elitist gatekeepers of the publishing world.  Maybe I should just give it a chance.

“Let me ask you something first. Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”

My mouth drops open. “Kinky fuckery?” I squeak.

“Kinky fuckery.”

“I can’t believe you said that.’

“Well, I did. Answer me,” he says calmly.

I flush. My inner goddess is down on bended knee with her hands clasped in supplication begging me.   “I like your kinky fuckery,” I whisper.

Or maybe this is unbelievably stupid.  Get your cosmic justice on, Universe.

Crushing Liberal Hopes and Dreams With Online Fuckery. UPDATED

15 May

UPDATE:  I woke up early this morning with the uneasy feeling that I had gotten my facts about the Twitter reply system wrong. So I researched it and found out that I had.  Dang.  That section has been updated and rewritten for your education and amusement.  I’m okay with being stupid – I just don’t want to be wrong.

Many of you know me from the comments section at Ace of Spades HQ.  One of you is married to me.  And before you go feeling sorry for her, she could have done worse.

She could have married my brother.

Believe it or not, in my family, I’m know as “The Polite One.”  I might drive you away in tears of rage and  frustration, but my brother will drive you away, and then follow after you when you storm out of the room.  “Where the fuck are you going?  I’m not finished talking.”  There’s worse.  There’s always worse.

When you’re dealing with liberals online, I’m going to show you how to BE that “worse” and follow these smarmy little cocksuckers back to their e-hovels and shit in their Grape Nuts.  Because Fuck Them, That’s Why.

Many of you are already familiar with Twitter, the social networking tool that limits users to posts of 140 characters or less.  When I initially ran across it, I didn’t see the significance of such an apparently limited application.  And then I discovered what opportunity this wonderful microblogging media tool offered its users that no other platform in the history of technology ever had:  the ability to insult actor Mark Ruffalo to his face, in real time.

Seriously, the guy’s a fucking anti-fracking crusade Occutard and he totally ruined the character of Bruce Banner.  And after several interactions with this befuddled, speech impaired douche, which consisted of witty ripostes such as, “Oh, that’s real nice,” and “You’re wrong”  I began to wonder if Twitter could have a higher purpose.

And it does.

Twitter is one of the tools that will help conservatives affect the election by shaping the media narrative, informing a handful of undecideds, energizing the base to get out and vote for Romney, and suppressing the libtard vote by constantly slapping them across the face with the repeated failures of their limpdick Chicago Jesus.

For the WHY of Twitter’s significance to this election, see John Nolte’s piece at Big Journalism.  He’s done a fantastic job of outlining recent conservative media victories, even though he’s a scruffy looking bastard with a Cletus rape-stache.  Whatever.  You don’t have to send your daughter to prom with him, just read his article. Quit being so judgmental.

In the ensuing year, again and again, I’ve seen Twitter overwhelm the MSM and their protectors at Media Matters and those phony left-wing fact-checkers. Try as they might, whether it’s about Obama eating a dog, the hypocrisy of the War on Women, or the real facts behind the economic “recovery”; the media cannot ignore a conversation being had by millions upon millions of citizens. Most importantly, they can’t filter or control that conversation. If the media won’t tell the truth or point out the hypocrisies, we will — and the media not only can’t stand that, they’re also forced to grudgingly cover it or look completely out of step with what the “real news” is.

Here are some things you can do to create maximum havoc amongst the liberals.

Look for the next bullshit liberal meme.  How do you know it’s bullshit?  Easy.  They’re all bullshit.  Simply watch your timeline and wait for the debunking to begin.  For example – the story about Romney terrorizing the boy at his school.  The man’s family says it was bullshit, the guy who said he had “long been disturbed” by it turns out to have not been there or even HEARD of it until the reporter told him of the allegation -  the list goes on.

Go to these news stories that debunk the liberal meme du jour, copy the URL, and then tweet it to your favorite liberal asshole.  Say, sawed-off douchebag Bill Maher.  Most liklely, it will be ignored.  A more effective alternative is to wait for Maher to tweet something stupid and erroneous and then reply to his tweet.  It will not be a long wait.  For example, if I reply to one of this asshole’s general conservative-bashing rants with the heartbreaking news that Obama has been proven yet again to be a Stuttering Clusterfuck of a Miserable Failure™ to @BillMaher, complete with a URL to a news story outlining his latest flop, I know that syphilitic runt Bill Maher will see it.

HOWEVER.

Syphilitic runt Bill Maher is the only person who will see it, unless both he and I have followers that follow both of us.  What’s the good of a public humiliation if there’s no one around to see you stuff syphilitic runt Bill Maher into his e-locker?  How are your followers going to know that you’ve got a live one?

Rallying the Troops:  The answer is in fucking with Twitter’s reply system.  When Twitter first started, if you followed someone, you saw EVERYTHING they wrote, including replies to people, talking about shit you couldn’t care less about.  So, in 2009, Twitter changed their reply system so that it became a threaded conversation between the two parties and those tweets did not appear on your timeline to your followers.  It does that by automatically moving their Twitter handle to the beginning of your reply, so that when I hit the reply button, it starts with “@BillMaher” and then I start typing in my reply. 

By adding a period to the beginning of his handle – .@BillMaher –  then all of my followers are going to see it.  Now you’re getting your tweeps into the fight.  And will you get a reply?  Absolutely.  Their arrogance demands that they “put you in your place,” which results in them showing their ass even further.  Don’t go for the kill just yet.  If you play your cards right, they’ll either fuck up and move your Twitter handle to the end of their reply or put a period before your handle, so that all their followers can bask in their “brilliance.”  And what kind of audience will you have, then?  Syphilitic runt Bill Maher has 1,176,223 followers, as of this writing.  Are you smelling what The Rock is cooking? 

Get the info out there.  Most of their libtard followers will discount it.  But enough will be depressed by the constant, and FACTUAL reminders of Obama’s many failures that they will have no desire to get off their asses and vote on Election Day.

That’s just one simple tip – there will be more in the weeks to come.  Do your part, citizen.

Block The Vote√

Big Gay Barry: Live at The Manhole

14 May

Obama holds a fundraiser at the hot, moist, brown, wrinkly center of the queer universe:  Chelsea in NYC.  Opening act:  Ricky Martin.  I can only assume that Barry will enter the stage on a pink Vespa with a giant lavender dildo in his mouth.  Because in case you haven’t gotten the message yet, Obama is down with Teh Gheys.  So that’s going to be his new fundraising strategy – swallow his pride, and perhaps Ricky Martin’s Pride, and hit up the gay community for some quick cash.  I purposely left out the lesbians because they are notoriously tight-fisted.  Gay men have all the cash – that’s just a fact of life that I picked up on E!, so it’s not like I don’t source my shit.

But let’s explore the unintended consequences…

I have to admit, when I first saw this picture, I lost my normal grave demeanor and laughed my ass off. Guffawed. There was also some wheezing and perhaps a snort.

First of all, it’s just so… gay. A rainbow halo, combined with the pursed lips and faraway look, like he’s at a penis tasting and thinking of his notes, “Hmm… Salty and full-bodied.”

***swishswishswish***

“With a nutty finish.”

Seriously, the only way he comes off gayer is if he’s wearing a black mesh tanktop while rubbing baby oil on John Travolta’s chest. With his balls.

But what I found to be most hilarious is that this cover was intended to be a compliment. Back in the 90′s, BJ Clinton was dubbed “America’s First Black President,” due to his popularity with Black America, for whom he did absolutely fuck-all.

And who’s going to feel insulted by that? According to my television, black men are cool; they’re hep, strong towers of athletic prowess.  Paragons of earthy street wisdom. Virile pillars of raw sexuality. Like Touré. Or Oliver Willis.

He’s like Kryptonite to Hot Pockets, you know.

So understand, Andrew Sullivan, faux “conservative” blogger and hyper-hysterical flaming homo drama queen , thought he was helping Obama. That’s what’s so damn funny – Lord Rainbowshanks can’t even denounce this as an attack! A) it’s coming from his own side, and 2) if there’s one demographic that’s even more sensitive to insults than blacks, it’s gays.

He’s painted himself into a Big Gay Corner and there isn’t enough lube for him to slide out of this tortured analogy.  He needs the cash, but he risks turning off the people who he needs to vote for him.  I expected him to go all in, but on race, not on homosexuality.

He’s stiffened his resolve, set his sights on the back pockets of Gay America, and he’s reached Ramming Speed.

Armando! More popcorn! And get the butter! For the popcorn, sure.

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